The Pub Discussion Board

SLT wrote:

JustLucky wrote:

SLT wrote:

Thanks, JustLucky. It certainly feels good to write like that for me. I Hope I don't find myself in a trap where I stop writing because I'm agonizing over what brand of sneakers Marla is wearing or anything like that.....I've just decided Marla's sneakers are British Knights, and I will never mention it in any of the future chapters, but you and I will know lol. Anyway , thanks for reading and for the encouragement!

SLT its a style that for me? Brings me closer to the story as if its a story related by someone involved and that adds a personal touch.
I enjoy reading between the lines too, getting to know and understand the motivation of the characters even though im probably way off base its a kind of insight.
Many years ago I had an experience with a wet and desperate person coming into my life one winters evening and I invited her to stay, dry off and eat with me and although she was not in a good way she stayed for quite a while and ended up working for me for a long time as well as living at my place although in her own space.
Similar but not the same as Marla, same defences slightly different story :-)

Love your work SLT.

Lucky

Hey Lucky. Sorry for taking so long to respond.  Yeah I think at some point pretty much everyone has met a Marla of sorts (or are a type of Marla), though I suppose many people never really get to know their stories, or they do and it simply doesn't stick. Either way I'm glad that you are reading between the lines, I think there is a lot of story between the lines and I hope as I grow as a writer I can get better at wielding that meta-narrative more effectively.

Also  I'm so honored that I wrote something that you love, that is legitimately not something I thought anyone would ever say about something I wrote....so thank you for telling me! it means the world.

No problem with the time of reply, As for reading between the lines? Its a bad habit I acquired in the mid 1980's when I first started reading fiction on pre WWW Bulletin boards and news groups.
The trick for me is to play it in my head as i read as a kinda theatre of the mind and the visual aspect adds nuance to the story.
Heres the catch though, it doesnt work with all writing styles but it works well with yours because you dont spoon feed the reader and the story has a more realistic and organic arc which is IMO a rarity these days.
Also helps that some of my recreational pursuits particularly with longer term playmates requires a quick and fertile mind or the fun quickly gets stale :-)
You write well as far as im concerned and I felt I needed to say so, the hard bit is keeping the flow going and thats down to inspiration and being in the mood but its nice to know when people appreciate your work!

Upgraded my opinion from "Definitely worth the time" to "Must Read"

you are swinging for the fences now. Both Curis and Marla's personalities are solid.  The mental imagery is getting good, I can picture the treehouse and the manshift elevator.

My personal favorite was your descriptions of the "Cool Girl" Click and their weaponized snark. I forget the exact words as it was near the beginning of the chapter. But it was great.

I found myself wondering if Mrss. Perfect Blond has ulterior motives for her hostility towards Curtis's relationship with Marla, or if it's just straight up Teen-bitchyness. 
I loved all that fall out.  Though I think her BF should have been suspended, or expelled. That's straight up assault.

The only constructive criticisms I have this time are as follows.

#1  Mom's easy acceptance of son and his GF spending the night in the tree house with out at least a "No Hanky Panky now!" and not even a mention of, "Should we call her parents?"

#2 and More serious...  When the bomb dropped.. It seems to be that deserved more conversation than.. "well don't I feel stupid."  Most guys' self horror at their own behaivor would have mored into protectiveness of the girl.. He shoudl have at least wanted more info if only so he could better support her or more likely find a way to save her. Sure maybe she has been through failed save me attempts, and has learned her lesson, but Curtis didn't even try.   + she shoudl have had more questions about his.. "Swinging" Misunderstanding.. Seems like they discussed what each of them were upto.. so having him come clean about the aunt thing would have been a great opportunity for her to call him a Block Head.  and really explain to him what her dad does to her and tell him ( and us ) why she doesn't fight back.. when she is clearly smart capable and far from broken.

(posted from Chapter 5)

SLT wrote:

abaddon.pale wrote:

Upgraded my opinion from "Definitely worth the time" to "Must Read"

you are swinging for the fences now. Both Curis and Marla's personalities are solid.  The mental imagery is getting good, I can picture the treehouse and the manshift elevator.

My personal favorite was your descriptions of the "Cool Girl" Click and their weaponized snark. I forget the exact words as it was near the beginning of the chapter. But it was great.

I found myself wondering if Mrss. Perfect Blond has ulterior motives for her hostility towards Curtis's relationship with Marla, or if it's just straight up Teen-bitchyness. 
I loved all that fall out.  Though I think her BF should have been suspended, or expelled. That's straight up assault.

The only constructive criticisms I have this time are as follows.

#1  Mom's easy acceptance of son and his GF spending the night in the tree house with out at least a "No Hanky Panky now!" and not even a mention of, "Should we call her parents?"

#2 and More serious...  When the bomb dropped.. It seems to be that deserved more conversation than.. "well don't I feel stupid."  Most guys' self horror at their own behaivor would have mored into protectiveness of the girl.. He shoudl have at least wanted more info if only so he could better support her or more likely find a way to save her. Sure maybe she has been through failed save me attempts, and has learned her lesson, but Curtis didn't even try.   + she shoudl have had more questions about his.. "Swinging" Misunderstanding.. Seems like they discussed what each of them were upto.. so having him come clean about the aunt thing would have been a great opportunity for her to call him a Block Head.  and really explain to him what her dad does to her and tell him ( and us ) why she doesn't fight back.. when she is clearly smart capable and far from broken.

(posted from Chapter 5)

Thanks for reading and the constructive feedback! Yeah I had been thinking about Lindsay for a while, how to give her a hook and a fatal flaw that would generate future interactions that made sense...so yeah she's got something going on.

Ernest should totally be suspended, and the nurse shouldn't have simply asked if Curtis wanted her to call his mother she should have just done it...but hey it was the (insert time-period where it would be conceivable for that kind of adult negligence to possibly occur). That is literally just hand waving though, I never actually considered actual consequences for Ernest lol he kinda just got away with it.

It is funny that outside of the Ernest thing which I didn't really think through until you mentioned it , your #1 and #2 are cuts I made because again I was afraid of length and flow.

#1. Coralyn had some internal dialogue and dinner conversation about Marla's cast, and the concerns she mentioned previously to Curtis previously, reinforcing that she has strong suspicions that Marla has a rough home life. I ended up cutting it because of its length and because I was afraid it would feel redundant. But it seems clear now that refreshing that would put some context around why she is willing to let Marla eat her out of house and home and spend the night. So I think maybe I should do some editing there. As far as concerns about sexy stuff between him and Marla, idk I think she might be a little in denial about what she and Curtis could get up to.....but maybe you're right, Her little sister did get pregnant when she wasn't that much older than Curtis so maybe it deserves some sort of acknowledgment. 

#2. This one is actually another cut, it is a pretty brutal conversation, it took up a whole lot of space and ultimately when they had that conversation the romantic scene felt completely out of place because the conversation was too dark and sad and very contentious. I made a call to have them have it on the walk/ride home in the next chapter because it was conceivable that the full implications of what Marla told him could take some time to sink in. But idk maybe it was a bad call. Regardless, their reconciliation isn't done, and as you may imagine when your girlfriend is being abused by her father its not a thing you hug it out about once or fight about once and then its done, it will be a journey.

As far as Aunt Claudia---I think he's a little ashamed of it still..could be worth an edit.


Anyway those are absolutely all very valid and insightful critiques and I probably have some edits to do.

I did end up reading chapter 5 before I went to bed :-)
As Mentioned the story gels really nicely now and there are enough character arcs to be followed for a very long time, The question of Seans fate and Curtis's Mean Girl with Mozzie bite tits are still hanging but thats a good thing for reader engagement I feel.

Having been an Early Teen boy in the 70's and being a Dad there are some school related anomalies based on my reality but other countries and counties deal with duty of care differently so I dismissed it as the fault of a crappy system :-)

Ernest the football Jock would likely have gotten away with his behaviour coz Jock and if the instigator Lindsey was popular or from a high profile family she would have been afforded some degree of immunity too considering Marla is just white trash and Curtis only a level above and this is a universal situation until more recent times.

Curtis and guilt is something you can chalk up to naivety and being horny lol
The usual cycle is Horny, Masturbate, Cum and Post cum guilt then rinse and repeat.
He already had thoughts about his cute Aunt they were just undeveloped because prepubescent and now the juices are flowing? its all sexualised .

As for the Cute Cuz well that too plus he learned a highly valued skill to his eternal benefit and Marla's.
Eat pussy like a fat kid eats cake and you instantly level up socially with the girls and they whisper this kinda thing to each other which makes Curtis better regarded if it got out :-)
The potential for Curtis becoming a Manwhore is now real

Love your work SLT

good story, wish it was posted more often. thanks for sharing.

(posted from the Item Information Page)

Hey SLT I hope you get back to writing at some point.. would love to see how your story turns out.

(posted from the Item Information Page)