Potential

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2019-Mar-19 @ 5:11 AM
neolyn
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Member since 2016-Feb-13
Posts: 63

For Evan and Deana... timeline(?) it's actually well done. There may be constant change of characters, but it's not messy.

I just don't like it. I don't like interupted action like that. I pulls me back irl. I prefer a focus on the action, and every other actions happening at the same time is dealed with in another chapter.

A good exemple is the conversation on the phone with Candy. That I like it, it satyed focus on Evan and Deana without switching to Candy's point of view. In the next Chapter I would have wrote the same scene but from Candy's PoV. I find it less messy that way.


As far as the sex scenes go, I don't think there is really a need to shorten them if you ever go back to them. Expect the bestiality's ones; those ones you can delete them, but it's a personal preference. : D


Wait, you're saying that the end is near ? The story is about how many % done  at this point ?


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2019-Mar-19 @ 9:19 AM
bistander
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Member since 2015-Sep-3
Posts: 129

neolyn wrote:

In the next Chapter I would have wrote the same scene but from Candy's PoV. I find it less messy that way.


As far as the sex scenes go, I don't think there is really a need to shorten them if you ever go back to them. Expect the bestiality's ones; those ones you can delete them, but it's a personal preference. : D


Wait, you're saying that the end is near ? The story is about how many % done  at this point ?

I can agree with your point, but there are some subtle things being dropped that might be lost if they were too far removed from the scene. As an example(but not a great one), Evan and Deana are fucking around outside while Candy and Sally are talking about the surveillance system. That might be foreshadowing? You'll have to wait and see, but I do see your point and pulling the read out is always something to be careful of.

Ruff, ruff, sorry, some people love these scenes; they want everybody to have sex with the dog, even Evan, but that won't happen.

% done? Wow, I wish I could say exactly. I have a bunch of things that I still want to do, and many things to uncover and wrap up, but the plot will not support many more chapters. I guess I'll keep doing what I have been doing and go one chapter at a time. We'll see, but it can't be very long.


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2019-Mar-19 @ 7:16 PM
neolyn
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Member since 2016-Feb-13
Posts: 63

bistander wrote:

I can agree with your point, but there are some subtle things being dropped that might be lost if they were too far removed from the scene. As an example(but not a great one), Evan and Deana are fucking around outside while Candy and Sally are talking about the surveillance system. That might be foreshadowing? You'll have to wait and see, but I do see your point and pulling the read out is always something to be careful of

Yep, I saw that.  It would have been too obvious if it was done my way. I did always wonder about the surveillance system. I don't really know (or paid enough attention maybe ? : / ) what and where it can record things. When Evan and Deana started doing things at house's door I knew they were screwed. But anything else in the house? Can't tell.

Candy fleing because of it the previous chapter was really impactful so it isn't really necessary to put a hint in this one. But it's jsut me, so maybe other people would not remember or pay attention.


You really do a marvelous job at hinting, it's really subttle. Hinting makes readers see the story in a different way when they read it again.
And I'm a sucker for that.


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2019-Mar-20 @ 6:16 PM
neolyn
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Member since 2016-Feb-13
Posts: 63

I'm double posting because In think I found something interesting.

So I tried again to get into Eric's Justice Seven. It's a good exemple of what I was talking about scene and Point of View. Each Episode seems to focus on a Protagonist alone and have enough... interlude(?) to include briefly others so everyone get link somehow.

It's between the traditional way you're writing  and your last chapter in PoV changes. I do find the pace of events being too fast though (sorry Eric : / ).


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2019-Mar-20 @ 9:50 PM
Eric Storm
Pub Owner
Member since 2006-Sep-13
Posts: 4264

Well, first off, you forgot to "double post" this, if you were going to... and second, I'm not sure what you're apologizing to me for.  Your post is a bit too vague on details for me, at least, to draw any actual information out of it.  I know you're talking about the point of view switches in Potential, but I'm not sure at all what you're saying about Justice Seven.

Eric Storm


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Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
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Never ascribe to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
2019-Mar-21 @ 6:30 PM
neolyn
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Member since 2016-Feb-13
Posts: 63

I was saying that in Justice Seven, many chapters are focus on one character . That some events happening in one chapter are happening actuallly hapening during another.

That I think it is a good idea you had and that it was a clever way to develop the story where there isn't a main character with all focus on him.(like in Potential).

I was saying that, though I like the idea I don't like how fast paced each chapter is and that's why I tried many times to get into Justice Seven but never could (until yesterday).

I was saying sorry because I was talking about about your good idea that I think was not successfully realised.

I believe that it would maybe have been better for potential last chapter to have been made like one of Justice Seven, focus on a character with somes scenes with other characters  then change the point of View in the next chapter but still being in the same time frame and not moving along.



And about double posting, I always thought  it was about posting twice in a row, no matter the content of the message.


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2019-Mar-21 @ 8:57 PM
bistander
Contributor
Member since 2015-Sep-3
Posts: 129

I know nothing about double posting, and unfortunately, haven't read Justice Seven, but I do know about POV. Maybe if the chapters were much shorter I could do that, but only if the whole story were written already. The way it is, how much would it suck to have only gotten to read about Evan in chapter 28, without knowing what happened to Candy after she puked and ran off?

I think I better keep doing what I've been doing before I start exploring, but I do want to write a story with the antagonist POV being first person and in separate chapters from the third person POV.

BTW, no, the surveillance doesn't exist in the house, other than Candy's spy cam.


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2019-Mar-21 @ 11:08 PM
Eric Storm
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Member since 2006-Sep-13
Posts: 4264

neolyn:

As far as I was aware, that is not what is meant by double-posting... and if it is, then I'm guilty of doing this a lot, so who cares?  smile

As to your J7 comments... the consequence of trying to make a story with so many main characters.  It is VERY hard to make it work properly.  Though I'm not quite sure what you mean by it being too fast-paced... I mean, I took 19 chapters to cover a year...  *shrugs*


bistander wrote:

I do want to write a story with the antagonist POV being first person and in separate chapters from the third person POV.

I would recommend against this in the strongest terms.  Not only is first person point of view very tricky to pull off by itself, but switching types of POV in mid-story is bound to jar the reader badly.  If you want to make sure to get the antagonist's perspective into the story, I'd recommend third-person omniscient for your writing style, and simply switch between characters.

Eric Storm

PS:  I didn't want to assume you don't know this already, but just in case you don't:

Points of view:

First person: the narrator is the main character.  They know the MC's thoughts and motivations, but no one else's.

Second person: The reader is the main character.  The narrator knows your thoughts and motivations.

Third person limited: Also used to be called, in my grammar class, third person semi-omniscient, the narrator is not a participant in the story, but they know the thoughts and motivations of only the main character.

Third person omniscient: The narrator is not a participant in the story, but knows the thoughts and motivations of everyone in the story.

There are, of course, variations on those, but they invariably make writing the story more difficult.


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Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
----
Never ascribe to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
2019-Mar-22 @ 5:51 PM
neolyn
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Member since 2016-Feb-13
Posts: 63

bistander wrote:

. Maybe if the chapters were much shorter I could do that, but only if the whole story were written already. The way it is, how much would it suck to have only gotten to read about Evan in chapter 28, without knowing what happened to Candy after she puked and ran off?

I think I better keep doing what I've been doing before I start exploring, but I do want to write a story with the antagonist POV being first person and in separate chapters from the third person POV.

BTW, no, the surveillance doesn't exist in the house, other than Candy's spy cam.

It would have suck to not know about Candy, but it would have build some suspense, so it wouldn't not have been so bad. The phone scene from Deana's side would have be a huge tease.

Yes, keep doing what you've been doing, you've done a great job so far, there is not point of messing it up by exploring.
I'm just analyzing, so if you start a new story and want to do even better than potential you already have some leads to where you may improve.

After reading neighbourg incest I can say that you improved more than a lot with potential. ( By the way, if you happened to have the rest of this story somewhere could you send it to me  please ? : D)

About J7 ( and that's the last I'll be talking about it in this thread, because it's not the place to do it):
When I say fast paced, I'm talking about the time line in a single chapter. From The moment Jim save Jen to the end of the chapter a few weeks happened and we don't really experienced them.

With how you did the story, I thinks it's normal that it's that way, I just don't like it because it made it very difficult for me to care about the characters. By comparison, in potential time flies so slowly that I care a real lot about many characters.


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2019-Mar-22 @ 8:12 PM
Eric Storm
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Member since 2006-Sep-13
Posts: 4264

Well, I'll make this my last response in this thread-within-a-thread, as well, but...  did you really want to read about nothing happening?  Unlike in Potential, where some dramatic event seems to happen every five minutes, in the weeks I skipped over in the chapter you're talking about, nothing of interest happened.  They went to school.  They chatted with each other.  They went to a few places together, where nothing of note happened.  In short, they lived normal teenage lives.  I can't imagine anyone really wanted to read that...

Eric Storm


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Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
----
Never ascribe to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
2019-Mar-22 @ 10:08 PM
bistander
Contributor
Member since 2015-Sep-3
Posts: 129

Eric Storm wrote:

I would recommend against this in the strongest terms.  Not only is first person point of view very tricky to pull off by itself, but switching types of POV in mid-story is bound to jar the reader badly.

Eric Storm

I'm not disagreeing because I really don't know, but Lisa Gardner(I think) did this in a novel, and I thought it worked very well. Yes, of course, I'm no Lisa Gardner. Whole chapters were told by the bad guy, the killer, and whole chapters were third person from the main detective's side. I read it a long time ago, but I think I remember liking the book.

neolyn, if you were saying you want the rest of the unedited My Neighbor's then send me an email and I'll send you the files. they are OpenOffice docs.


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2019-Mar-23 @ 3:44 AM
Eric Storm
Pub Owner
Member since 2006-Sep-13
Posts: 4264

Hey, I've had my say.  Carry forward at your own risk.

Eric Storm


-----
Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
----
Never ascribe to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
2019-Mar-23 @ 5:47 AM
neolyn
Inebriated
Member since 2016-Feb-13
Posts: 63

Eric Storm wrote:

Well, I'll make this my last response in this thread-within-a-thread, as well, but...  did you really want to read about nothing happening?  Unlike in Potential, where some dramatic event seems to happen every five minutes, in the weeks I skipped over in the chapter you're talking about, nothing of interest happened.  They went to school.  They chatted with each other.  They went to a few places together, where nothing of note happened.  In short, they lived normal teenage lives.  I can't imagine anyone really wanted to read that...

Eric Storm

I do ...  I find this moments important because it's  an occasion to get to know the characters better, what they feel , think, like and dislike. Then add something happening(can be small or big) that appears trivial but is not.


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2019-Apr-9 @ 12:35 AM
morningwood
Tipsy
Member since 2019-Apr-4
Posts: 2

I love the story so far. The slow buildup of sexual tension is incredible.
I prefer this type of writing to others that have improbable sex by the 2nd paragraph.
Keep it up, Bistander!

(posted from Chapter 4: Its Dangerous to Squeeze the Charmin)


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2019-Apr-9 @ 2:07 AM
morningwood
Tipsy
Member since 2019-Apr-4
Posts: 2

chapter 5 and still going strong.great writing

(posted from Chapter 5 Youve got the Devil Inside)


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2019-Apr-10 @ 7:11 PM
bistander
Contributor
Member since 2015-Sep-3
Posts: 129

morningwood wrote:

chapter 5 and still going strong.great writing

(posted from Chapter 5 Youve got the Devil Inside)

Thank you so much for taking a minute to let me know how you feel. That is my only reward for the 100's of hours I invest and a reminder that I have to keep working.
I hope it only keeps getting better for you. I must warn you, though, don't race through it. It is a very complex tale, and I'm still working on it, so if you get to chapter 28, you might end up having to wait.

I've been in a horrible depressive funk, so there hasn't been much produced over the last several weeks. I am hoping the rainy season will end and some sun and warmer weather will lift my spirits.


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2019-Apr-19 @ 10:01 PM
E. Nygma
Tipsy
Member since 2019-Apr-17
Posts: 2

I joined this site specifically to let you know how much I am enjoying Potential. I went into it thinking it would be "stroke material" but I find myself actually CARING about the characters now.

I don't really think Evan can end up with Candy OR Deana but I am pulling for Deana/Rebecca (and possibly Gloria/Darlene).

I like the way you are giving depth to Darlene. Her promiscuity is clearly forged out of a difficult childhood and it makes her a more sympathetic character than if it felt as though she would merely screw anybody or anything. I disagree with Darlene on one point: The true "wildcat" in my eyes is Becky not Rebecca. That girl is crazy.

I am really hoping that you continue to flesh out the story and that we get to see a rewarding denouement that lets us know at least how the Rebecca/Deana/Candy/Cindy and Jason/Becky/BJ arcs play out. Perhaps even a glance 4-5 years into the future, whatever it may be, after the inevitable storm coming when John returns from China.

I have read the entire 28 chapters now multiple times. big_smile


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2019-Apr-23 @ 11:26 PM
bistander
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Member since 2015-Sep-3
Posts: 129

E. Nygma wrote:

I have read the entire 28 chapters now multiple times. big_smile

Well, hells bells, that makes me smile. I wish I had time to reread the story, but if I did I'd end up working on it and fixing the typos that I know are in there.

I'm taking my time in hopes of making the ending as good as the rest of the story. It's getting more difficult to decide how much to give away in each chapter in order to keep the story an interesting page-turner. Hopefully, I'll have something to post fairly soon.

Thank for taking the time to comment.


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2019-May-19 @ 8:13 AM
bistander
Contributor
Member since 2015-Sep-3
Posts: 129

I know it's been a long time since the last chapter, so I figured I should drop a message here. I wish I could say I had a good reason or at least an excuse but I don't. The writing was going slow and for a time it wasn't going at all. I think I might have gotten a bit overwhelmed trying to pack everything into the last few chapters without revealing something too soon or forgetting to close all the open stuff. I know it's not gonna be perfect and not everybody it going to like the way things wrapped up, but I want to do my best work yet. That's what I've been working towards these past three years.

I am working and have a lot of rough draft stuff. Feel free to ask questions, send encouragement or whatever just so I know more than three people care if I keep working on this. I'm gonna finish it regardless, but it might help keep me moving faster.


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2019-May-19 @ 11:52 PM
E. Nygma
Tipsy
Member since 2019-Apr-17
Posts: 2

I'm excited to see work is going on again. Interestingly, I had planned on posting here anyway because I have been thinking about the fact that "Deana" is based on a real person/real events.

Since that is the case, I just wanted to express my hope that she/he has gotten counseling for the molestation at the hands of "John". It only just dawned on me in the latest reading of it that someone IRL had that occur.

Looking forward to seeing the resolution of the Deana/Rebecca and Darlene/Becky arcs and what ends up happening with John.


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2019-May-20 @ 6:50 AM
coachc32
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Member since 2016-Nov-19
Posts: 10

I will chime in here and say that I'm glad work is flowing again. I know things can get rough at times. I know it will be well worth the wait though. You are an amazing writer! I am a huge fan. I do have one question though. Ch 29 will be the next, and you are talking about the end. Do you have a prediction for the total number of chapters there will be?  Sorry, two questions lol... I have to ask cuz I'm such a fan. Please tell me there will be more stories to come from you after Potential ends up?

(posted from the Item Information Page)


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2019-May-26 @ 1:02 AM
bistander
Contributor
Member since 2015-Sep-3
Posts: 129

It is refreshing to see comments. I know it's because it's so long between chapters, but it gets lonely wondering if anyone is still interested.

coachc32, I don't know for sure, but the plot won't support too many more. At least three, I'd guess. I have had 100's of story ideas that I jotted down and forgot about because I can't do two things at once. I can't even finish cleaning up and posting My Neighbor's Incest while working on Potential because Joe and Evan start to merge. I am working this week on a contest story. It was one I wasn't going to do because I didn't want any distractions, but the idea wouldn't leave me alone. I'm gonna be hard pressed to make the 30th deadline.

Nygma, yes, lots of it.


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2019-May-28 @ 7:56 PM
devonglen
Tipsy
Member since 2016-Jul-16
Posts: 4

Looking forward to chapter 29. I am not a writer so I can only imagine how hard it is at the end of a story to sort it all out and keep going.
Also looking forward to more of My Neighbor's Incest.

(posted from the Item Information Page)


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2019-May-28 @ 9:57 PM
Blackie
Contributor
Member since 2017-Jul-13
Posts: 46

bistander wrote:

It is refreshing to see comments. I know it's because it's so long between chapters, but it gets lonely wondering if anyone is still interested.

Write for yourself first. The rest of us, well, I for one am anxious to see more of your work. I do know what it's like though to feel you cannot continue with a story, for a variety of reasons.

At this instant I have one on indeterminate hold here on Wolfpub that I thought I'd started well then saw I would have to rework a whole lot after putting as much effort in as I had. That was very disheartening to me. After I finish another I will have to open it again and see if I can wake up the sleeping giant. I have one meant specifically for here I have NOT shared on that has reached 50k words I am sitting on because the words won't come for what's supposed to happen next. And I have three that are entirely intended to be marketable to mainstream fiction which are halfway through and staring me in the face whenever I open that folder. Plus I have one I'm debating bringing back from the undead pile which was paused due to calamity to computer (involving disk crash) and just plain life (living takes priority over my fantasies).

So if you get to it soon, get to it later, you have an audience of one, yourself; then you have the rest of us, who would love to see more of it without you feeling pressured.


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-Himself

"Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack of content in your writing." -Randy K. Milholland
2019-May-31 @ 7:44 PM
bistander
Contributor
Member since 2015-Sep-3
Posts: 129

Blackie wrote:

So if you get to it soon, get to it later, you have an audience of one, yourself; then you have the rest of us, who would love to see more of it without you feeling pressured.

That is great to hear and refreshing. Thank you.

I thought I had a lot of things half baked. I hope you find your moe joe on at least one of those and get it done. Read something about unfinished stories in a book, I think it was First Aid for Writers, and it wasn't good. Can't quote it, but it as something about causing depression and or other emotional and mental problems. It made me try and stick to one thing to the end before embarking on something new. That doesn't always work, though. Sometimes I need a break from Potential to let things marinate, so I write short stories. As long as I keep writing something my mental state is pretty good, but when I don't write at all, I go all screwy.

Thanks for your input, it helped.


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