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#1 2025-01-24 07:13:22
The Super
The Super
A boy, his mom, and his sister get a fresh start when Mom lands a new job.
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#2 2025-01-24 11:46:39
- Eric Storm
- Pub Owner
- From: New Port Richey, FL
- Registered: 2006-09-12
- Posts: 5911
- Website
Re: The Super
I'm assuming that "Chapter 1" is not, in fact, part of the story's title. Perhaps you should change that.
Eric Storm
Please Remember: The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone." The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended. If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
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#3 2025-01-24 13:45:04
- JustLucky
- Inebriated
- Registered: 2021-10-11
- Posts: 41
Re: The Super
Good story, great premise :-)
(posted from Chapter 1)
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#4 2025-01-28 18:33:55
- temnix
- Tipsy
- Registered: 2025-01-17
- Posts: 8
Re: The Super
A well-paced set-up, not too fast or too slow. I generally prefer things pretty quick, but this leaves room for development and description. How about adding some sound to this? How someone walks, ambients... Imagine that you are directing a porno in the old style, with a solid budget, acting and beautiful people. As for flaws, they are small: make sure the direct speech quotes are in place everywhere. Also there is no reason to keep so many lines separate. Build up paragraphs some. And try to use synonyms on occasion. You could say "the old place" instead of "the rat hole" when they go one after the other. All in all, this is a nice, horny, potentially exhibitionist, potentially bisexual, definitely incestuous start.
(posted from Chapter 1)
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