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Great story with 2 main characters I can really relate to. Please continue I really hope they have a happy ending no matter what other hardship they have to go through.

(posted from the Item Information Page)

Just finished chapter 1..

Nicely done. There a few grammatical errors, but probably way less that I have in my own writing.

Constructive Feedback.

Could use with more visual description of the characters environment.  The dialogs are great. but with the exception of Marla's pigtails and perhaps her secret hideaway, I don't' really have a picture in my head of anything or anywhere.   So a bit more visual descriptors would be nice, especially when we are meeting each character or new location.

At times it seems like Curtis has no inner monolog going on. but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Nice work

(posted from Chapter 1)

oracle2814 wrote:

Great story with 2 main characters I can really relate to. Please continue I really hope they have a happy ending no matter what other hardship they have to go through.

(posted from the Item Information Page)

Thank you for reading Oracle, and thank you for taking the time to comment. Your feedback means a lot to me, genuinely. Yeah I hope they have a happy ending too, or at least a way to find something warm, real and lasting in each other...whatever form that may take. Anyway thank you for reading, and taking the time to comment!

abaddon.pale wrote:

Just finished chapter 1..

Nicely done. There a few grammatical errors, but probably way less that I have in my own writing.

Constructive Feedback.

Could use with more visual description of the characters environment.  The dialogs are great. but with the exception of Marla's pigtails and perhaps her secret hideaway, I don't' really have a picture in my head of anything or anywhere.   So a bit more visual descriptors would be nice, especially when we are meeting each character or new location.

At times it seems like Curtis has no inner monolog going on. but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Nice work

(posted from Chapter 1)

Yeah...I'm ashamed to say I'm not a very diligent proofreader, but I will try to work on it!

haha, my SO has also pointed out my lack of visual descriptions as well. I know its a problem in my writing , because it is also a problem in my life. I do not usually recall people by their names or appearance, but by the conversations we had, facts about them or the things we did together. I can't tell you how many times my mom or somebody has asked me if I remember cousin 'Freddy' or whoever, only to draw a blank look from me . "you know, the tall one with the wonky eye?"...Nothing. "well you guys talked about how he became a drone pilot in Abudabi"...."OOOOh Freddy, yeah , great guy!". All that to say, dialogue focus to the detriment of everything else is kind of how I am...not great for writing or being a healthy member of society lol. Either way I'll work on trying to remember to at least introducing things visually...or at the very worst introduce things visually as the characters pay attention to them or they become important lol...WIP

Finally....Curtis. I've been trying to flesh him out further as I've decided to continue the story, but yeah he did initially serve as more or less a Marla delivery device. Like the tortilla chip to Marla's salsa. In later chapters I think I've fleshed him out into being at least a 'hint of lime' Tostito, but not yet a full fuego Taki lol.

Anyway Pale, thank you for reading my stuff, but more importantly thank you for taking the time to comment and provide constructive feedback... turns out it's rarer than Radium, so thank you!

Well, this feels like a true story instead of so many that have sex scenes after sex scenes. Bravo! Please carry on.

(posted from Chapter 3)

JustLucky wrote:

Freeform inspired writing isnt a bad thing especially to get words on paper to publish or edit and shape later and personally I prefer the unedited theater of the mind writings for a few reasons.
First one being im impatient when I find stuff I enjoy and unless pushed for critique I devour it warts and all.
Second reason being that I enjoy New Authors works especially those that write just Coz and dont take it too seriously and polish the life out of their work or worse still get wrapped up in their heads with tiny details delaying or killing any momentum the piece had by rethinking the thing to death over a long long time :-)
IMO you are doing well SLT

Thanks, JustLucky. It certainly feels good to write like that for me. I Hope I don't find myself in a trap where I stop writing because I'm agonizing over what brand of sneakers Marla is wearing or anything like that.....I've just decided Marla's sneakers are British Knights, and I will never mention it in any of the future chapters, but you and I will know lol. Anyway , thanks for reading and for the encouragement!

JustLucky wrote:

Just finished Chapter 4....
Oooooohhh shit!
Im assuming Curtis and his Mum have gone to his Aunts for the holiday? Or have they actually moved house because that'd be hard for Marla to bounce back from.
Her Dad really is a turd and I get the feeling she is closer to the edge than ever.
The Treehouse truly is a haven, a refuge from hell.

(posted from the Item Information Page)

Yep! this is what happened to Marla while Curtis was away at Aunt Claudia and Uncle Gene's. Initially as planned chapter 3 was just supposed to be the events of chapter 3 and 4 combined flipping between Marla and Curtis' activities...but Idk if I could have even made that. Anyway, yes! Her father is indeed a complete piece of garbage and I hope he gets hit by a bus. Marla is resilient though, at least I had hoped to show that Marla is Marla both due to---and in spite of her circumstances. Yeah, I agree the Treehouse isn't just a bunch of slapped together wood and junk put together by a couple of kids, it's a refuge and a time capsule and a place they grow together, and closer (at least that's the plan). Thank you so much for reading, and talking to me about this thing! It really do love seeing what you think and how you feel about the chapters!

Last edited by SLT (2024-12-12 19:30:26)

Just finished C3...

Again nice work.. your characters are becoming more lived in.. The aunt's family is quite interesting.. Hope we see them again.

(posted from Chapter 3)

abaddon.pale wrote:

Just finished CHAP 2...

A marked improvement over chap 1 ( which was good itself ).

The MC, Curtis feels more like an independent character with a life and will of his own, though I dislike how he handled things at the end of the chapter.

There are still some grammar issues, I noticed a missing "the" in a few places fut didn't record exactly where.

The Story has my attention and looking forward to the next chapter.

\a

(posted from Chapter 2)

Thanks for reading Pale! Yeah, Curtis' handling of what he saw (or what he thought he saw) was frustratingly insensitive and immature imo, just goes to show he has a lot of growing to do. I'm really happy that it engaged you enough to form an opinion on his response! I might have to break down and get a Grammarly subscription, if people like you are taking the time to read what I write (and go above and beyond by offering feedback to boot) it might be the least I can do to make my writing easier to digest on a mechanical level.

abaddon.pale wrote:

C4.. nice POV shift.  I feel sorry for Marla and also impressed with her.. She is obviously a much more thought out character.   

You are providing more and more visual description over the last few chapters too.  So getting better.

One question though comes to mind... Given Marla's Brains, with, drive, self sufficiency. It seems odd that she tolerates some specific things.  She hardly seems broken.

(posted from Chapter 4)

I'm so glad that you have feelings about Marla, much more, the feelings that I'd hoped to convey. Since the very beginning, I kinda knew Marla's whole deal as soon as I thought of her...she felt natural obvious, and familiar to me.  Yep, I've been really trying to take that criticism to heart and work to give folks something to visually ground them.


As far as what Marla tolerates and why, well it's complicated. While I will not claim to be some great capturer of reality, Marla's behavior feels realistic to me in the way that the actions of real-life folks in similar situations can sometimes evoke similar questions.... and even folks in those situations might agonize over why they act and react as they do. I can say I agree, she isn't broken, more like her shape is what it is because of the things she's had to form through and around. Like how a plant might look strangely bent, twisted, and crooked in ways that defy logic---until you understand the environment of light and shadow that it had to contort itself around to get enough of what it needed to continue to live and grow. Not an ideal shape, but a shape that got the job done when the job was pretty rough and weird. All that to say, I have every intention of exploring these ideas further and illuminating Marla further.  I love that you are thinking about Marla in this kind of depth, it makes me incredibly happy and thankful!

SLT wrote:

JustLucky wrote:

Just finished Chapter 4....
Oooooohhh shit!
Im assuming Curtis and his Mum have gone to his Aunts for the holiday? Or have they actually moved house because that'd be hard for Marla to bounce back from.
Her Dad really is a turd and I get the feeling she is closer to the edge than ever.
The Treehouse truly is a haven, a refuge from hell.

(posted from the Item Information Page)

Yep! this is what happened to Marla while Curtis was away at Aunt Claudia and Uncle Gene's. Initially as planned chapter 3 was just supposed to be the events of chapter 3 and 4 combined flipping between Marla and Curtis' activities...but Idk if I could have even made that. Anyway, yes! Her father is indeed a complete piece of garbage and I hope he gets hit by a bus. Marla is resilient though, at least I had hoped to show that Marla is Marla both due to---and in spite of her circumstances. Yeah, I agree the Treehouse isn't just a bunch of slapped together wood and junk put together by a couple of kids, it's a refuge and a time capsule and a place they grow together, and closer (at least that's the plan). Thank you so much for reading, and talking to me about this thing! It really do love seeing what you think and how you feel about the chapters!

LOL I had to look up BK's coz I was picturing Dunlop Canvas hightops but now I know :-)

The chapters make sense and the characters work well together with the intuitive storyline for me at least and while your endings aren't cliffhangers in the classic sense there's still a hook lol

Sean, the Dad is whats needed to make sense of Marlas mystery and although it was an educated guess its not the sex thats the problem its the abuse of power and total lack of duty of care and although I feel Marla is a victim of circumstance she hasnt fallen into the trap of victimhood so I suspect Sean is in for a long extended miserable demise, Maybe a stroke of something debilitating to render him harmless enough to allow Marla to take her revenge as she would be in a position of power ala Kings Novel "Misery".
A Bus kinda kills a story arc that could be deep dark and delicious fun  :-)

BTW SLT im glad you dont mind my thoughts on your work but if I ever cross the line just tell me to shaddap.

Looking forward to some more

Lucky

JustLucky wrote:

SLT wrote:

JustLucky wrote:

Just finished Chapter 4....
Oooooohhh shit!
Im assuming Curtis and his Mum have gone to his Aunts for the holiday? Or have they actually moved house because that'd be hard for Marla to bounce back from.
Her Dad really is a turd and I get the feeling she is closer to the edge than ever.
The Treehouse truly is a haven, a refuge from hell.

(posted from the Item Information Page)

Yep! this is what happened to Marla while Curtis was away at Aunt Claudia and Uncle Gene's. Initially as planned chapter 3 was just supposed to be the events of chapter 3 and 4 combined flipping between Marla and Curtis' activities...but Idk if I could have even made that. Anyway, yes! Her father is indeed a complete piece of garbage and I hope he gets hit by a bus. Marla is resilient though, at least I had hoped to show that Marla is Marla both due to---and in spite of her circumstances. Yeah, I agree the Treehouse isn't just a bunch of slapped together wood and junk put together by a couple of kids, it's a refuge and a time capsule and a place they grow together, and closer (at least that's the plan). Thank you so much for reading, and talking to me about this thing! It really do love seeing what you think and how you feel about the chapters!

LOL I had to look up BK's coz I was picturing Dunlop Canvas hightops but now I know :-)

The chapters make sense and the characters work well together with the intuitive storyline for me at least and while your endings aren't cliffhangers in the classic sense there's still a hook lol

Sean, the Dad is whats needed to make sense of Marlas mystery and although it was an educated guess its not the sex thats the problem its the abuse of power and total lack of duty of care and although I feel Marla is a victim of circumstance she hasnt fallen into the trap of victimhood so I suspect Sean is in for a long extended miserable demise, Maybe a stroke of something debilitating to render him harmless enough to allow Marla to take her revenge as she would be in a position of power ala Kings Novel "Misery".
A Bus kinda kills a story arc that could be deep dark and delicious fun  :-)

BTW SLT im glad you dont mind my thoughts on your work but if I ever cross the line just tell me to shaddap.

Looking forward to some more

Lucky

haha I actually looked them up too as they were just shoes I vaguely remember being considered 'poor'. I was surprised to find out that they weren't nearly as old as I assumed they were and that they were at one point a cool popular shoe in NYC.  As far as Dunlop hightops, those are definitely Marla-esque shoes.

Hahah, yeah guys like Sean don't get hit by buses usually, no matter how much you wish it (is a dream sequence in a story considered cheap? lol). You are absolutely right, often it is a slow deterioration... they don't take care of the people they are responsible for---including themselves. I did have Sean's fate outlined, and all I will say that you understand the kind of story this is.

Also, Lucky, not only do I not mind that you share your thoughts , I'm stoked that you are thinking about it at all much less sharing. So, please share away, its very fun for me.


I was out of commission for a bit, but I've started writing Chapter 5 tonight, so you shouldn't have to wait too long.