The Pub Discussion Board

There is something that has been bugging me for several months... actually, probably for years.  It has simply gotten to the point where I wish to speak out about it.

Here it is, in a nutshell:  Do not offer to help unless you are going to follow through.

I cannot count the number of people who, over the years, have said to me, "Oh, I'll do such-and-such," and then I never hear from them again.  Or they offer to do this, that, or the other, and they start to, but then they simply stop without warning or explanation.

Folks, this is RUDE BEHAVIOR.  I know, lots of you weren't raised to know what the hell "rude" is, so let me explain it to you.

When you offer to help someone, you are taking a bit of mental load off of them.  They lessen their worry about the thing you're offering to help with.  Then, when you fail to follow through on your offer, now they not only have to start worrying about that thing again, but you have added to it the disappointment of you failing to help, and also made them more wary about anyone who would offer to help in the future.  In short, you have made things much WORSE than if you had just kept your mouth shut in the first place.

Offering to help is not polite if you cannot or will not follow through on it.  It's irresponsible.

SO:

DO NOT offer to help someone if you have no intention of actually doing so, or if you think, "Well, they won't take me up on it, so it's safe to offer."
DO NOT offer to help unless you are reasonably sure you will be able to do what you say you're going to.  I understand that circumstances change without warning sometimes.  IF that should happen, you should tell the person IMMEDIATELY that something has happened, and that you cannot help them now.
DO NOT offer help "in the future".  This is a waste of everyone's time and energy.  I have had more than one person tell me that they would offer significant help, monetary or otherwise, but at some future date, only to never hear from them again.  Don't do it, people.  You're just playing with other people's emotions, and that just makes you an asshole.
DO NOT offer to help in a way that is something you hate doing.  That's just going to guarantee that you will eventually fall down on the job.

DO offer to help if and only if you have both the time AND THE INCLINATION to actually provide the help.
DO offer to help if the help is something you enjoy doing.
DO offer monetary help if you can afford it, but ONLY if you can afford it.
DO realize that just offering to help has consequences for the person you are offering it to.

This doesn't go just for offering to help ME, but anyone you might consider helping out.  Don't offer help just to make yourself feel good; that's selfish and ego-centric.  Offer help because you actually want to make the situation better.  If that's your goal, then you are more likely to follow through... and you'll feel good knowing that the job is actually getting done.

(I warned you it was a rant.)
Eric Storm