The Pub Discussion Board

So a friend of mine is working on a story http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2699212/1/Aldeans_Crew and she shared with me a horrible piece of feedback she got from someone.  I read it over and was left shaking my head at how someone could possibly cram in so many offensive comments into a single post.  Please tell me if we are being overly sensitive.

Dissection of Chapter 1: "blew out a frustatrated breath"- highly unorignal.

"hoverboard"- oh God. Though I will remain open to the notions of another's imagination, hoverboards are not only a ridiculously formulaic notion, but they do not serve as an excelled form of transportation, rather they would hinder it.

"The junk piece was missing its start-up cuplink and was having trouble turning over"- again, I understand that you are implementing imagination, but this sentence is superfluous as it can never be defined and does not add any significant detail, (stating that the status of the machine was poor would have been acceptable and would not have required a fantasy-speak dictionary). The remaining sentences are so simple that I highly doubt that they have been composed for an audience older than twelve years old.

"tracked the moment"- finally, you are perhaps implementing an idea that is mean to carry several denotations, along with several connotations, but no. I believe that it is most likely a typo. "tracked the moment" does not make much sense, even when considering it beside its context.

"most scavengers . . . on runs"- this whole paragraph is bleating cliche. My gosh

"had something to prove" and "wasn't going to be babied" are exhausted. Why must the central [I'm assuming Kira] character often have something to prove? Is it the plot or is it to distract the audience from the lack of plot.

The countdown bit is, I'm assuming, meant to create excitement for the audience, but it is not successful.

The eye implants are also an exhausted notion, and my gosh, why did you include a [cliche, my dear, green] grid?

Some good bits: "yawning mouth of the alley"- nice.

"moved to accomodate her calculations"- sure, perhaps I have encountered something like this before, but I still favor it.

Some bad bits: "speed-velocity." Speed is a scalar and velocity is a vector, meaning that velocity has a direction, but speed does not. They can be interchangeable so long as direction is not considered; but combined? No.

"chambered" is such an iffy word. I suggest that you change it, not stretch the definition so much, and replace it with a more certain word.

"hell"- oh gosh. Do not try to elevate its immorality by claiming that Kira "cursed."

"hit equilibrium with gravity" an interesting phrase, one that allows thought. I favor the fact that it provokes thought. But equilibrium (gravity pulls us down, the earth pushes up- do you see us floating or boring into the ground without stopping?) would have to be disturbed if we wished to hover. It would have to be "hit equilibrium with the disturbance" but that's a bit technical. Which I would favor more, but an explanation would become necessary prior or after the statement is presented.

"acid burns"- does not acid have the potential to spread? If this gaggle is opposed to killing, then why are they using acid?

"goodies"- gosh, so cliche I want to punch a rug.

"I'd love to"- again, one of those horridly inane responses that one believes is so darn clever. Again, I want to punch a rug.

"was a blur"- who doesn't use this? Gosh, doff it.

"as fast as legally possible"- gosh, why even put that there? It is not clever.

"Kir"? Are you kidding me? Isn't Kira concise enough? and "wicked nasty"- come on.

Those weak jocular responses to the "her friends are considerate" questions are lame and cheesy and unenjoyable. Poor attempt at humor, or comic relief in this weak action story.

"morphine"- far too cliche. And surviving falling off of a truck- it removes her breath, but she still requires morphine and bandages? Far too far from plausiblity even in a sci-fi story.

Don't misbelieve that I enjoyed the other parts highly. They were juse story. I enjoy great detailed descriptions and outlandish insights. It is a story, simple and poorly composed. Even stories require some philosophy, some detail. Otherwise they are mediocre and stray from individuality.