The Pub Discussion Board

lol

heres a few i found


The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise."
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.....3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = midnight.)
The next morning my husband asked my what time I got in and I told him "midnight." He didn't seem upset at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh shit", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

A guy goes into the chemist to buy some condoms.
“What size?” Asks the clerk. “I don’t know” he replies. The clerk says “Go and see Sophie in aisle 4
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch and yells “Medium!”
The guy is mortified. He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms and gets sent to Sophie. He grabs him and yells “Large!”. The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.
A high school boy comes in to buy condoms.
“What size?”. The kid embarrassedly says “I’ve never done this before I don’t know what size”. He gets sent to Sophie, she grabs him and yells ……
“Cleaners needed in aisle 4!”


The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists - a Yale graduate and a redneck from Alabama. They were given a word and two minutes to come up with a poem that included the word. The word they were given was Timbuktu. The first to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. Into the microphone he read:

Slowly across the desert sands
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
destination Timbuktu.

The crowd cheered. No way the Alabama redneck could to p that they thought. The redneck approached the microphone, cleared his throat and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three and we was two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

The redneck won.


ASK A STUPID QUESTION
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at WAL-MART and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!


local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.


The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.


"He's a funeral director," she answered.


"Interesting," the newsman thought.


He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.



She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.


The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.



She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." ....




Book Report-Too funny!!!

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 7 hours to read
Clinton :.... Over 7 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.


Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing



Don't Put Grandma on the Stand

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Smith. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do, I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your
wife. Yes, I know him."

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."



My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed.
I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then asked her, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes," She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember.

IDK if this counts but

President Bush is the most traveled President in history and as a result it has spent less time than the white house than any presedent since its completion

John Stewart has a theory as to why this is the case

"When at the white house the bed he sleeps in every night is the same one his parents F**KED in"

enjoy having that in your head

...and the ball of yarn said: String Theory

sorry ive been felling off recently

rotflmao nice one unknown