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#1 2019-05-10 19:44:53

Admin
God
From: The Internet
Registered: 2006-09-09
Posts: 516
Website

Matchbox

Matchbox

The redhead teaching social studies is caught in an awkward predicament and her student takes full advantage of her plight.

A sentimental favorite of mine which I finally re-located a copy of after all these years. Not the best writing I've done but it worked at the time I wrote it.

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#2 2019-05-21 17:24:19

Elessar
Wasted
Registered: 2009-10-28
Posts: 112

Re: Matchbox

While I am aware this is an old story, i have to say, there wasn't much i liked about it. I'll first start with the things i did like. The over all story was good, without spoiling the story for others to much, i will say that. I think it was the fact everything happened to easy that i didn't like. All the events that transpired were way to easy. Had it been slightly longer and a little more of a challenge for the main character, then i think i would have liked it more. I liked the staging of the story, the enviroment as well.
What i didn't like was how quickly and easily the entire story happened. I understand it's a short story, but in 1 day everything changed. I also didn't like the lack of description, yes you described her well, but i felt the main characters description lacking, as well as the house at the end. "Drove up to a house" was literally how i read it. Which is fine i guess but not very descriptive.
The flow of the story was nice for how it was, it just over all felt like it happened to easy.

Eric will probably scold me for my feedback, sorry if any of it's rude.

(posted from the Item Information Page)

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#3 2019-05-21 17:29:24

Blackie
Inebriated
Registered: 2017-07-12
Posts: 41

Re: Matchbox

Elessar wrote:

Eric will probably scold me for my feedback, sorry if any of it's rude.

(posted from the Item Information Page)

It's all good Elessar.

I have reasons for it to be an old favorite of mine. Yeah, it moves too fast to the bedroom and world shift for the characters. I'm not going to re-write it. It's not worth it to me. It's just nostalgic I guess.


-Himself

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#4 2019-05-21 18:27:30

Eric Storm
Pub Owner
From: New Port Richey, FL
Registered: 2006-09-12
Posts: 4252
Website

Re: Matchbox

That you knew your actions were inappropriate, and yet you took them anyway, gives me grave concern about your ability to reason, Elessar.

It also shows a complete lack of respect for me and the rules I've put in place on this website.  That puts you on some very thin ice.

Eric Storm


Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
----
AMEN! >>> Word Crimes

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#5 2019-05-21 18:47:16

Eric Storm
Pub Owner
From: New Port Richey, FL
Registered: 2006-09-12
Posts: 4252
Website

Re: Matchbox

And, to amplify just what's wrong with your "critique":

Statement 1:

Elessar wrote:

...there wasn't much i liked about it.

Statement 2:

The over all story was good,...

These two statements are diametrically opposed.  One of them has to be untrue.  Given the nature of the rest of your post, I'm going to assume it was Statement 2.


Statement 3:

...but i felt the main characters description lacking, as well as the house at the end. "Drove up to a house" was literally how i read it.

Not having read the story, this one is more a question:  Were the particulars of the house in ANY way important to the events of the story?  If not, then they really aren't important, and there's no reason for the author to waste words on it.  The reader can envision whatever kind of house they like.  Similarly with the main character: some authors will intentionally leave the main character undescribed, to allow the reader to place themselves more easily into that role.  Don't know if that was Blackie's intent at the time or not, but it is a legitimate reason for lack of description.

Statement 4:

The flow of the story was nice for how it was,

Statement 5:

it just over all felt like it happened to easy.

Statements 4 and 5 are also diametrically opposed.  The story cannot "flow nicely" if you felt that the conflict was resolved too easily, since conflict resolution is the PURPOSE of story flow.

Statement 6:

Eric will probably scold me for my feedback,

That you even paused to think this, let alone type it out, means that you knew you shouldn't have posted this message.

Eric Storm


Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
----
AMEN! >>> Word Crimes

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#6 2019-05-22 00:46:00

Blackie
Inebriated
Registered: 2017-07-12
Posts: 41

Re: Matchbox

Still mostly nostalgia for me. Even if someone criticizes it.


-Himself

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#7 Yesterday 17:07:27

Elessar
Wasted
Registered: 2009-10-28
Posts: 112

Re: Matchbox

I didn’t really pause to think about it. As I said there wasn’t MUCH I liked about it, the over all story was good. Which means I liked the over all story, the idea, concept, etc. so they do go together.
Those details of the house and character may not be important to the author, that’s great. I would have enjoyed it and as feedback, I thought for future ideas it would have been nice to know, some people do enjoy those things.
The flow for the story was nice for how it was basically is to say that, for how fast the story went, it was nice. The ease of the events were to easy in my opinion.

I do apologize for my opinion, and perhaps I am not wording it properly. I don’t mean any disrespect to either you(Eric) or the author. I do respect the rules and guidelines here, as I have typed and deleted several things in several comments that would have come across worse than what I actually said. I have put more thought into giving honest feed back with some things I liked included to hopefully meet the guidelines and rules.

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