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Here's an idea... Improve your spelling and grammar?



I would recommend that you get an editor.  Unfortunately, I cannot recommend one.  Maybe someone else can.

Eric Storm

Probably not... but one never knows.  MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA........... *cough cough cough*  Damn sinus infection, messing up my evil laugh...

Eric Storm

so here is the draft of my story's prologue

story name :- Life as a Teenage Human Girl

PROLOGUE

The assassin entered the bedroom.

He looked at the two people sleeping in the bed.
*Yep* thinking to himself *I am not getting out of this one alive.*

He breathe out making a whooshing sound.

That little sound was all that was needed to wake the smaller of the two that was sleeping,
faster than any one could have ever seen the person moved from the bed jumping at the assassin.

The assassin moved fast but not fast enough to save his life and was dead before he hit the ground, but he had been fast enough before he died to stab his attacker.

The 2nd person got up from the sound.

Seeing what was going on the man ran to his wife side shouting for help.

The man said to his wife “Don’t die my Queen, what will our daughter do without you.”

***

Emily sat in her desk chair looking out the open window with a piece of paper in her hand.

A bird came in the window and landed on the bird stand next to the desk,
the bird looked at Emily who was still looking out the open window she did not look like she had seen the bird.

“Are you ok.” said the bird.

Emily unlike you’d have expected did not jump at the sound of a bird speaking to her.

“No I am not ok.” She looked at the bird. “My mother is dead.” She slammed the piece of paper she had down on the desk and left the room looking to all the world like she was about to cry at any minute.

The bird dropped from the stand to the desk and read the paper seeing that it was a letter from Emily’s Dad.

----
Dear Emily

I am Sorry to have to send this to you and in this way.
But I have sad news to give you.
The war does not go well and now the enemy are sending assassins.
One got to close and your mother used her skills and power to get him but she was not fast enough and got hit by a knife.
I am sorry to say she did not make it.
I wish you could have said good bye to her but it not save for you to come back now.
You are the last, you are save there for now.
“Do What You Have To”, so that you are not the last any more.
You know what you have to do.

Love Dad.
----

The Bird looked up “Oooo Grate. Now this is going to be good. Emily is so not going to like that last part”

***

Emily sat looking at the woman, who here she called mum, not her real mother. No now she knew that her real mother was dead. This woman, who sat with her now, was looking after her here in this place. She knew what Emily was after all. It was better that way less to hide like her familiar who she called Ben. Not that Ben was her familiar’s real name, no her familiar did not like his real name one bit. So she had said that she could call him Ben from now on, and he had like that idea.

“I am sorry Emily, I wish there was something I could do but I am only human.” mum said.

“That’s ok it sucks like hell but there is zip I can do from here.” Emily replied.

“So you will be going back then.”

“No Dad said it not save for me to go back Home,” she got a wishful look on her face as she had said home.

At that moment Ben came in the living room window and landed on the bird stand. “Well...” said Ben looking at Emily. “here you are. I hope you did read the entire letter.”

Emily looked at him... “Yes I read the entire letter even that stupid crap part at the end.” 

Mum looked at Emily “what part at the end?”

“The part that told her to find a mate” said Ben.

“What!” she said looking at Emily.

“Yes well you know what I am and what my mother was.” Emily said with a sad look.

“Well yes I do but a mate here, I did not think there was any one here who could be a mate for you.”

“Well,” Ben spoke up. “If she needed to she can find a mate here.”

Emily did not look happy, “Yes that’s what he told me to do. What get’s to me most of all is that he is right.”

“So what are you going to do? Your 34 years old it’s not easy for some one that old to find love, I take it that is what you be looking for.” said mum.

“Yes I’ll be looking for Love.” Emily started to explain. “But he will need more than just love for me, he will need magic as well as to be told all about me. No human adult well believe what they need to know and without that the magic will not work and there will be no kids.

“So I will have to have your help so I can cast a spell to change my outward looking age to something younger then I am now.”

“You can do that I never knew that, so how old will you look after the spell is cast.”

“14 it well take off 20 years of my outward age.”

“14! Oh My Goddess!” mum said slapping her hands to the side of her face. “What can you do looking like a Kid?”

“He-ha well for a start I can go to school. It will be the best place to find someone who will still think there is magic in the world. And I may find others who still have a link to the magic!”

“She’s right I cannot think of a better place to look than a school. Maybe she will get relay lucky and can find a Boy who has a good bit of magic that is still with him!” Ben added.

“But in this world children cannot be having kids. 14 is too young for kid’s” mum said in a panic.

“I will only be 14 on the outside of my body, my inside parts will still be 34. Smaller parts on the inside then before but still 34 years old.”

“I don’t know, I just don’t know.”

“My people are at war, I am the last Elf Priestess of Magic light, and the power to be that witch I am can only pass to my children. If I an Elf have to mate with a human to have said child so be it. I will not let my world! My Home! Be lost just because here on earth you mother your kids for too long.” Emily Said standing up with her arms by her side and hands balled up in to fists.

***

Emily looked at mum.

“Well how do I look?” Emily said in a Higher Voice then she had before the spell was cast. “Oh Goddess! I hope I still look human, if I have turn back in to my elf form, I going to be, So, pissed off, with having to recast the spell to make me look human again, that spell takes 2 hours to work the casting of it... it was bad enough with the last 6 hours we spent doing the age spell. So how do I look? Good? Human? Oh please say that I am still human looking.”

Before mum could say a word Ben butted in saying. “well at least you sound like a teenager.”

Without even thinking about what she was saying Emily replied with. “Bite Me.” As soon as she had said it she slapped her hand over her mouth with an Oh My Goddess look on her face.

Mum stepped in to save the Day by saying “Yes dear you still look human.” As she was saying this mum handed her a mirror. So that Emily could see herself.

Emily looked at herself in the mirror looking back at her was a blond girl of 14, with white skin, a spotless face, thin eyebrows, a Cute nose (only word for it), and Green eyes.

Taking a look at her ears not to big not to small but most of all human looking. Not pointy looking like an elf that was good.

Holding the Mirror a Bit away from her she looked at her blond hair she could see it came down to her mid back.

Next she looked at her chest. *well B cup I think not to bad better than an a cup or flat.* she said thinking to herself in her mind

Ben just looked at her but did not say a word.

“Well I look the part. Let’s hope the 2nd part of the spell added all the paper work to the school system and I got all the paper work at this end to pull this off.” She said as she looked at her legs.

“How tall am I?” she asked.

“I will go get the tape measure.” Mum said as she left the room.

Emily continued to look at herself some more as she waited in the magic room ware all the big spell’s are cast.

Mum come back and measured Emily to see how tall she was now.

“Let see you are 4 foot 7’ or about 140 CM tall.” Mum said.

“That all... man going from 7 foot as an Elf to 6 foot 1’ in human form to this ... you have no idea how hard it is for a elf to be so. Small! The last time I was this tall I was 7 years old.” Emily complained.

“Welcome to Life as a Teenage Human Girl.” mum said.

***

Kitsune wrote:

Well i took a shot at editing your work, which wasn't really that bad but i don't really want to have to post it to the forums but i guess i could if i needed to. It would be much easier if you just added an email address to you profile

cool but right now i was hopeing for some feedback.
like dose the plot sound any good? (saying that right now that is all just setup)
dose the Humor i use so far work?
dose it need more of a filling out?

should i give up or keep going on with it?
i think it good but then again i can see it in my minds eye's i maybe missing stuff not geting little bit down in to text format

it be nice if this forum had a Pm system

Kitsune i will not be Pubshing my e-mail in the open
but maybe you can post a Small part of it ( not all of it ) so that i can see what you found lets say the "Emily sat in her desk chair" part fromm the *** to the next *** ( well i just seen that i forget to say that the room she is in is her bedroom lol )

Kitsune wrote:

Well i might as well just post it all so you can look over the whole thing. I changed a few things like you made it seem like Ben had to hide what he was from mum but then had him talk right in front of her so i edited that paragraph to make more sense. I also changed numbers under 100 to word form just because that's how i learned they should be. I also fixed most of the grammar and spelling issues but i only went over it real quick so there might be more i didn't see.

ummm
well i was never told that about numbers under 100 in school ....
then again i can not spell numbers in word format any how. well one and two but that is all ..

ummm did i make it look like ben had to hide him self from mum ( if i did that was Not my plan. )
can you point out the line that makes it look like ben has to hide him self from mum from my draft
as i dont see it.

i know about the safe (save) spelling mess up but for the life of me last night i could not get my self to remember the right word i knew it was the worng word but i had a brain block on the right one.

and the line from dad's letter ( “Do What You Have To”, so that you are not the last any more.) is a code
after all the letter is comming out of a war zone even if that war zone is not on earth

Kitsune wrote:

She knew what Emily was after all. It was better that way less to hide like her familiar who she called Ben. 

Right there

I thought you had some secret meaning to it but i also thought that having something stick out like that would ruin the secrecy of it.

I have actually been taught a few different methods with numbers depending on the situation but i mostly stick with the under 100 mainly because i feel seeing numbers in a story has an ugly look to it.

ok with the familiar line
what i trying to say is that emily's got to hide him from allmost all humans but she dont have to hide him from mum as mum knows what emily is,

and with numbers, that a hard one
for me it dont look right for a Age to be in words, when i think Age i seen the numbers in number format.
but stuff like 2nd 3rd and so on i see in word format i just dont know how to spell them in word format lol

yes i think i am going to have to rework that part

the big info Payoff time for Finding out more will be when emily makes her 1st friend who she can tell about herself

up to that time the reader is only geting littel bits here and there ( it is the readers job ) to see if he or she got the sub text of what is going on. makes it a bit more fun well for me any how

ok Kitsune
i set my e-mail seting to "Hide your e-mail address but allow form e-mail."
for now

this is the best way  for you to get a e-mail to me

yes i could do with more then 1 reviewer/editor for this.

there are some part's that just have to be there, geting it to flow well but still have the hint's there will not be easy.

grammer may have to be placed to one side from time to time just so i can get a hint in to the story in the right place at the right time.

hell i'd love to have Jefferson help with this story but i bet that is just wishfull thinking

Last edited by celf (2012-05-17 09:53:22)

any how Kitsune if your going to help me you need to send me a e-mail

i got the bit with ben reworked now ( i hope )

Kitsune wrote:

Yea that will help alot if you want help with reviewing and stuff so that we don't have to always fill up forum space.

and a reply sent say if you dont get it and i try again

ok i sent again

dont forget to look in junk folder of you e-mail you never know your e-mail server may have dumped it there

no i bet money that is ware it is in your auto junk folder

Last edited by celf (2012-05-17 11:10:11)