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#1 2012-11-24 09:04:32

Admin
God
From: The Internet
Registered: 2006-09-09
Posts: 489
Website

Magister's Rise, The

The Magister's Rise

When late teenager Jarrad discovers he has the ability to wield a power known as "Essence", he must make a choice; use this power for total personal gain, or lend his power to maintain a balance of power that must always be maintained?

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#2 2012-11-24 22:34:28

Wicked Storm
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From: New Orleans
Registered: 2012-06-15
Posts: 355

Re: Magister's Rise, The

I feel that you story has some potential merit to it. However I didn't see a lot in the way of plot becoming apparent in the first chapter. Though this isn't always a bad thing. I will reserve any further positive or negative creatiques for later. Though it does feel like it has some interesting potential. Keep up the good work. ^_^

(posted from Chapter 1)


In the dark your lips taste like sweet nectar, and in the line they tease me endlessly.

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#3 2012-11-24 23:38:48

Kouskul
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Registered: 2012-09-18
Posts: 27

Re: Magister's Rise, The

Thanks for the input, and dun worry, to use an old term, the plot shall thicken 3dtongue

(posted from the Item Information Page)


"Miracles of modern day science. I'm brushing my teeth and stimulating my hair molecules at the same time."
-Dr. Buddy Rydell (Jack Nicholson)

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#4 2012-11-26 17:36:33

Wicked Storm
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From: New Orleans
Registered: 2012-06-15
Posts: 355

Re: Magister's Rise, The

I can tell that the plot is thickening and thus far it is getting really interesting. If you need any help with proof reading or editing simple stuff feel free to ask me. I might not be the best at editing my own stuff, but I am pretty good at editing other peoples stuff. It's getting good and I am looking forward to all the plot development that is happening. ^_^


In the dark your lips taste like sweet nectar, and in the line they tease me endlessly.

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#5 2012-11-26 22:07:17

Kouskul
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Registered: 2012-09-18
Posts: 27

Re: Magister's Rise, The

Thanks, though I've currently hit a wall at how to tackle a part that should be a recurring thing throughout the rest of the fiction, so any input and help is welcome.

(posted from the Item Information Page)


"Miracles of modern day science. I'm brushing my teeth and stimulating my hair molecules at the same time."
-Dr. Buddy Rydell (Jack Nicholson)

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#6 2012-11-26 22:30:46

Wicked Storm
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From: New Orleans
Registered: 2012-06-15
Posts: 355

Re: Magister's Rise, The

Do you have skype?


In the dark your lips taste like sweet nectar, and in the line they tease me endlessly.

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#7 2012-11-26 22:42:08

Kouskul
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Registered: 2012-09-18
Posts: 27

Re: Magister's Rise, The

I do, but I use a phone for a modem and only get 5 gig every time I recharge, so not a favoured option 3dhmm

I do have a part in a few of the most common social media sites however.

(posted from the Item Information Page)


"Miracles of modern day science. I'm brushing my teeth and stimulating my hair molecules at the same time."
-Dr. Buddy Rydell (Jack Nicholson)

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#8 2012-11-27 02:13:26

Wicked Storm
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From: New Orleans
Registered: 2012-06-15
Posts: 355

Re: Magister's Rise, The

I only use skype for the texting opitions, not the voice.


In the dark your lips taste like sweet nectar, and in the line they tease me endlessly.

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#9 2012-11-27 02:16:15

Kouskul
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Registered: 2012-09-18
Posts: 27

Re: Magister's Rise, The

o.O There's a texting option? Huh, goes to show how long it's been since I last used it...

(posted from the Item Information Page)


"Miracles of modern day science. I'm brushing my teeth and stimulating my hair molecules at the same time."
-Dr. Buddy Rydell (Jack Nicholson)

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#10 2012-11-27 03:36:36

Wicked Storm
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From: New Orleans
Registered: 2012-06-15
Posts: 355

Re: Magister's Rise, The

Yes, yes there is. Always has been.


In the dark your lips taste like sweet nectar, and in the line they tease me endlessly.

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#11 2012-11-28 17:18:03

daishod
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Registered: 2012-03-28
Posts: 10

Re: Magister's Rise, The

not bad I like the Lantern reference, hope you continue.

(posted from Chapter 5)

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#12 2012-11-28 23:04:21

Kouskul
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Registered: 2012-09-18
Posts: 27

Re: Magister's Rise, The

Thanks, and don't worry, I'm still continuing, just on last week of Tafe so things need to be done.


"Miracles of modern day science. I'm brushing my teeth and stimulating my hair molecules at the same time."
-Dr. Buddy Rydell (Jack Nicholson)

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#13 2012-12-05 03:23:10

lerris
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From: Huntsville
Registered: 2008-12-07
Posts: 41

Re: Magister's Rise, The

Ok two things. First what is TAFE? Second you said in chapter 8 that there were more extreme situations and an overuse of profanity. I'm not gonna lie I still haven't seen an overuse of profanity or extreme situations. I mean they are different but not all together that extreme. Maybe its because I am used to reading more risque or extreme topiced items on this site and in general, but really you have gone nowhere near extreme or profanity laden as i thought from all the warnings. Is that just me and my warped reading habits or what?

(posted from the Item Information Page)


Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them!

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#14 2012-12-05 03:34:07

Kouskul
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Registered: 2012-09-18
Posts: 27

Re: Magister's Rise, The

Should've explained what Tafe is, sorry. Tafe, or Technical and further education, is an out of school education system that operates in Australia, where I live. There's a wiki page on the subject, so it might prove to hold more info on the subject than what I can provide. It is also where you can do the Cert IV in Library/Information Services, which the main character is undergoing.

Also on the topic of the profanities, a couple of people who I know irl who also have been reading have made a note on what they saw as an overuse of profanities, and that I should try to lessen the use so that either when they're used they have more impact, and so it's less offensive on the reader, thus the note at the start of chapter 8. But irl I have a tendency to swear like a sailor so I can understand how the use of profanities seems tame. I do have plans on having the main character actually show some major use of profanities, but I'm still working on how I'd approach that so it's in the air at the moment.

Anywhoo, thanks for the feedback, especially on the TAFE thing. Easy to be ignorant of the fact that some things that are common knowledge where you live might not be so in other places. is greatly appreciated.

Last edited by Kouskul (2012-12-05 03:34:48)


"Miracles of modern day science. I'm brushing my teeth and stimulating my hair molecules at the same time."
-Dr. Buddy Rydell (Jack Nicholson)

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#15 2012-12-05 17:36:42

lerris
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From: Huntsville
Registered: 2008-12-07
Posts: 41

Re: Magister's Rise, The

Yeah I'm from the USA so I was sitting here going what the hell is it. I mean I assumed it was some kinda class from the context clues but wasn't sure. And yeah I swear a lot irl so its tame compared to that, but I guess its more the people that know you seeing a different side of you in your writing. For me this hasn't even been that bad on the profanities, and for me since the plot is really interesting and I want to see where you go with this I guess I could care less how they curse. I mean if a lot of cursing is part of one of the characters personality at certain times and that is the way the story flows then that's the way it needs to be. Keep up the good work.

(posted from the Item Information Page)


Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them!

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#16 2012-12-08 05:28:35

WarLord
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From: Minnesota, USA Planet Earth
Registered: 2006-11-17
Posts: 163
Website

Re: Magister's Rise, The

Greetings

I'm enjoying this story. Interesting premise with characters we'd like to spend timr with.  Looking forward to seeing where you take this plot.

One small caveat, the profanity warning beginning Chapter 8 took me out of the story for a bit. Maybe better served with that in story synopsis.

But again a very well constructed beginning I'm anxious to see how it proceeds

Thanx for sharing your vision

(posted from Chapter 9)


"A scrupulous writer, in every sentence that he writes, will ask himself at least four questions, thus: 1. What am I trying to say? 2. What words will express it? 3. What image or idiom will make it clearer? 4. Is this image fresh enough to have an effect?" - George Orwell, Politics and the English Language, 1946

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#17 2012-12-08 05:34:14

Eric Storm
Pub Owner
From: New Port Richey, FL
Registered: 2006-09-12
Posts: 3652
Website

Re: Magister's Rise, The

After looking at it, the notice about the profanity and the extreme content should be offset with a heading such as "Author's Note", and clearly delineated, so that it can be skipped easily if a reader such as WarLord wishes to do so.

Personally, I don't think a profanities warning is really relevant on an adult-content website, but that's just my opinion.

Eric Storm


Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
----
I thought a thought.  But the thought I thought I thought, was not the thought I thought, I thought.  If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought... I wouldn't have thought so much!

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#18 2012-12-08 06:56:44

Kouskul
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Registered: 2012-09-18
Posts: 27

Re: Magister's Rise, The

Thanks for the feedback, I'll be sure to edit that part out, and as I said, I added it to warn those I know irl who read the story, but on hindsight, it was a bit of a misplay.

(posted from the Item Information Page)


"Miracles of modern day science. I'm brushing my teeth and stimulating my hair molecules at the same time."
-Dr. Buddy Rydell (Jack Nicholson)

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#19 2012-12-11 16:43:19

daishod
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Registered: 2012-03-28
Posts: 10

Re: Magister's Rise, The

Very nice, I like the world building and realism you've put into the story. Keep 'em coming.

(posted from Chapter 10)

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#20 2012-12-15 02:47:04

dreaw
Inebriated
Registered: 2011-11-27
Posts: 83

Re: Magister's Rise, The

yay another Aussie author there are to few of us we must stick together, and yes i still write.

(posted from the Item Information Page)

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