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#1 2011-01-11 18:01:18

Bridget
God
From: The Internet
Registered: 2006-09-09
Posts: 524
Website

[onefromb5b4] Coming of Age

[onefromb5b4] Coming of Age

A brother and sister's first time with each other.

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#2 2011-01-11 22:54:53

Bd.Carlo
Inebriated
From: B.C. canada
Registered: 2009-11-06
Posts: 62

Re: [onefromb5b4] Coming of Age

Well, that was interesting.  It was a well written story, and easy to follow. 
It was an good story with an okay plot, but I found it very much, "we did this, then this happened, then we did that, and this other thing happened" I didn't invest in the characters at all.  thats just my two cents.

PS. I think you got the ages backwards.

(posted from Chapter 1)

Last edited by Bd.Carlo (2011-01-11 22:56:36)


"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."  Elbert Hubbard
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking." Jerry Seinfeld

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#3 2011-01-12 02:11:16

Cenobite829
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Registered: 2010-11-13
Posts: 28

Re: [onefromb5b4] Coming of Age

It isn't a bad story but I had a problem with the fact that there was no real dialogue it was all stuff like " She asked me this so I said this." A little more characterizations and actual conversations would be make it alot better.


Jigsaw: If you're good at anticipating the human mind. It leaves nothing to chance

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#4 2011-01-12 04:38:23

T. Weller
Inebriated
From: Ephrata PA
Registered: 2009-08-19
Posts: 22

Re: [onefromb5b4] Coming of Age

This was my first venture into writing erotica. All critiques are welcome and helpful. Thanks for the 2 that were posted already.

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#5 2011-06-17 14:23:15

T. Weller
Inebriated
From: Ephrata PA
Registered: 2009-08-19
Posts: 22

Re: [onefromb5b4] Coming of Age

I rewrote this story. Please see the Revised one.

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#6 2011-06-17 18:44:26

Eric Storm
Pub Owner
From: New Port Richey, FL
Registered: 2006-09-12
Posts: 4527
Website

Re: [onefromb5b4] Coming of Age

And why, if you wish to be an active writer here, wouldn't you have opened a writer's account to post this story to?

Eric Storm


Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
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Please don't be an asshole to me, because then I'll have to be an asshole to you... and I'm MUCH better at being an asshole than you are.

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