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#1 2006-11-26 21:17:50

Bridget
Barmaid
From: The Internet
Registered: 2006-09-09
Posts: 592
Website

Heirloom

One writer's struggle with the bane of all writers: writer's block.
This story won an honorable mention in the 2004 DragonComet Writing Contest.

Please read and comment.


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#2 2021-04-21 05:09:54

Rearaxle
Tipsy
Registered: 2021-04-15
Posts: 8

Re: Heirloom

The title of this story caught my eye and I was immediately surprised by the direction this story took.  I like the way you managed to build the story around the main character without it sounding like someone's resume.   Devon's character was very believable.  The concept that someone or something had stolen or robbed her of her talent was unique.  I imagine it was something you learned through old folk lore.  For a city girl, I did feel that Devon accepted her Grandmothers unusual assessment pretty quickly without many questions.  Most people are not easily convinced in things like the supernatural.  Maybe the Grandmother could have shared an experience to better convince Devon that these creatures exist.  This would make that concept more believable, at least to the perspective of someone who does not believe in the supernatural.  After this I felt drawn into the task that Devon had to accomplish.  I was trying to come up with a way that she would do this.  I kept expecting the other shoe to drop.  I did feel that it was wise for her to find the thief early without dragging it on too long.  The false alarm with Alex was excellent.  I'm sure most readers would not have wanted it to be Alex.   When the creature in Holly suggested that Devon would need to prove it was her that stole her talent.  I thought that you might have put two of these creatures in the story and they might be fighting each other for this talent.  I thought that may have been a missed opportunity to add another twist.  You know how much readers like to get turned around or just led down a dead end. 
I would say that my only other observation was "what happened to the real Holly"?  Somehow the real Holly got left in the shadows.  Because of that omission.  It seemed like the end came to quickly and something was missing or forgotten. 
I understand that this story was entered into a contest and you did well with an Honorable Mention.  That's a big deal.  I'm not familiar with these contests and there rules.  Maybe you had a limit on content and couldn't elaborate more than you did.  That can make it even more difficult to bring your story to life, which you did an excellent job at.  Anyway, I really liked the story and it was very cleverly done.

Last edited by Rearaxle (2021-04-21 05:12:13)

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#3 2021-04-21 10:24:04

Eric Storm
Pub Owner
From: New Port Richey, FL
Registered: 2006-09-12
Posts: 5180
Website

Re: Heirloom

Hey, Rearaxle, just a minor critique of your critique:  Breathe!  3dsmile

Seriously, your critique is almost entirely one run-on paragraph, which is very hard to read.  The information within the paragraph is good, so it's problematic that it becomes difficult to digest because of format.  Just try to break things up a little more in the future, it'll make it easier for authors to benefit from your commentary.

Eric Storm


Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
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