The Pub Discussion Board

As always, neolyn, good insightful comments/questions.

Back in the first couple of chapters, yeah, Darlene was Evan's primary objective, but more so she opened the door to foreshadowing conversations with Deana on the way home from school. Then summer started and their interaction was limited, plus, other things(legs) opened up for him, and she pretty much shut him down in front of her trailer. She likes him but hates him for having what she doesn't, a family, especially considering who his mother is.

As far as your questions about how the women act, there is a lot of underlying psychological babel interweaved over a long period of time, and that might be lost or never understood by some. That's just the way the story is because it's based on many different actual people and events. Traumatized people act a certain way, and that very likely explain/answers your questions. Although, it's possible that someone might act in a manner that is required for the author to keep the story moving in the direction he needs? Sally, she's a mystery, but you should already know she has a history at that house and it makes her skin crawl to even be there. There are things she has to keep from Candy until it's safe for her to know them. They weren't avoiding Evan specifically, but Candy and Sally only knew for sure he was home because of his car, and they didn't want to get involved with him because they needed to get finished with John's computer.

P.S. Why do they keep things from Evan? From 30: "For the same reason Evan could never know, Deana would never let Candy find out." It's easy to see if you consider what's going on behind the scenes.

As far as who ends up with whom, over 4 different sites I get comments from people, and I think about all of those, maybe even trying to satisfy someone's wishes if I see a theme emerging among the readers, yet the whole time I am thinking about personalities, emotions and plausibility. What would a loving mother, even a damaged one, actually allow to happen? Would Evan's teenage boner really override his love and morales? How would an abused daughter actually respond to . . . ect.

It is a twisted and complicated story I am trying to draw to a satisfying conclusion. Wish me luck.

Last edited by bistander (2020-03-07 16:53:44)

Great story, bistander.  I think your doing a great job slowly pulling us into these characters and I am really enjoying the anticipation of “what could possibly happen next”  I’m just as excited to see what Becky does as to see how they take care of John.

Keep up The great work. Thanks

(posted from the Item Information Page)

Not knowing exactly how you goofed, here are a few tips to prevent such things from happening in the future:

1. Keep notes on important details.  Especially for those of us who do not sit and write every single day on the same story, pounding it out in a couple months, we know we're going to forget things.  If you think you'll reference it later, make a note of it somewhere.  Keep all your notes together somewhere, so you can look through them whenever you need to.

2. If it's been more than a month or two since you've written on something, go back and re-read the last completed chapter or two.  Not only will it help you get your brain back into that story universe, it will refresh your memory about at least recent story details.

3.  Don't hesitate to stop writing to go back and look something up.  Yes, this risks losing your "writing mojo" that day, but if it's a crucial detail, it's important to get it right.  If it's NOT a crucial detail (maybe you can't remember what hair color you gave your character), then put in a placeholder, like "<hair color>", and keep writing, then go back when you're finished writing, and find the replacement.  Why use a placeholder, instead of a guess?  Well, let's say you get finished writing, but forget to go back and look for that hair color thing.  If you use a placeholder, then when you proofread your work, it'll be obvious that you need to fix that.  If you just guess, you will almost certainly overlook it in proofreading.

These tricks won't prevent this every single time, but it should cut down on it significantly... 

Just my $1.50 (Inflation).
Eric Storm

good start

(posted from Chapter 1: The Pantie Fetish)

very nice

(posted from Chapter 9: A Force to be Reckoned With)

great story keep it going.how about more neighborhood

(posted from Potential Chapter 30: Playing With Fire)

Thanks neolyn for taking the time to tell me. The first version of 30 got really long, but mostly the way the scene with Crazy redhead and sweety Gloria wasn't what I wanted. That's why I moved it to 31.

A cliffhanger, really? I never do that, but I'll go look at the original ending and see what happened. All the stuff that was removed will be covered again, but it'll be different.

So I'm back from reading chapter 31.

Not much sex .
Well I'm being unfair here, Darlène and Gloria were pretty hot but already read that, so it doesn't count in my book.

You got me twice: 1) Deanda and Candy and finally 2) Cindy and Evan.

So hoping something more would happen!

for 1) Nothing immediate really came out of it, for 2) a LOT came out off it story wise and that's nice.

Evan is starting to realise things, why he didn't act and talk openly with Cindy, I don't know, I would have. but Evan is Evan and I am me.

Sally is really getting interesting.

And I'm sad no one picked up the phone, because I freaking called it ! The accident was no accident.

Something has been bortherin me though : In begining of the chapter Sally says to Candy " The girl is you and so much  like your mother".
It confused me, the "your mother" part.
Is it a typo ?

If not, i'm missing a key element here that is hidden between the lines.

So about the chapter itself... It's good, really good, it was  different from every other chapters, it's much much more story and character oriented which is suprising because all of your chapter are like that but with sex, but I don't know how to say it... it's like you went a bit further with what you always do with story and character ?

The pace was good too.

Waiting was worth it, keep it up please.

bistander wrote:

"Not much sex" Glad you noticed that, but I hope you didn't just blow past Gloria and Darlene

Of course not.

bistander wrote:

It was the same sex, but the mood was different and it was more factual after consulting with a young lady.

So you not just pulling out thinds from your head and from people's story, good to know. I'm surpised that a young lady was open-minded and confortable enough to talk about it.

bistander wrote:

The sex is getting harder to work in. Let's face it, it's hard to go from, He's a rapist and a murder, to fucking. That's not to say there won't be sex anymore, but at this point, things have gotten pretty serious. Many more secrets to be revealed. Like what the hell was sally doing and where is Bobby? I'm not sure I know. ;-)

Well yes and no, you can  go for a sex scene but not from the same character discussing murder and rape(or that's what those people are into, it fits right in then). It's good to have ended the chapter with that.

bistander wrote:

"The girl is you and so much  like your mother"  I bow down to you. Neither of my test readers commented on that. It's not a typo, but did Sally misspeak or was she talking about Aunt Julie(Cindy's mother)? Mm, I'm not sure. I hope the fucnin' author gets to the bottom of all this stuff before he dies of old age.

Now "Aunt Julie(Cindy's mother)" that is  a typo right ? You meant Candy ?
If not it's even more confusing me.
Why would sally says to Candy "your mother" when they are sisters and have the same mother ? What has Aunt Julie to do with anything ? Unless  Candy's real mom is Aunt Julie making Cindy and Sally her half-sisters.
Unlikely, because Sandy,Darlene, Candy and escpecially Gloria have all the same features, blond/venitian blond hair. awesome tits and most of all an ass to die for. There family genes are quite strong.

On the other hand Deana is to Sandra what Gloria is to Candy. Cindy is a clone to sandra too. So either sandra and Julie are twins or really look alike. Either way their family genes are strong too.
So in the end it's really unlikely that Candy is Cindy half sister.

Or I'm wrong somewhere about the blood relation with people, which would not be unexpected with all the incest going around in the story! x)

Anyway that sentence is the most confusing in the whole story for me.

About bobby.... Is he even relevent ? I mean he banged his own mother, his sisters, got 2/3 of them pregnant( maybe the mom too but no indication of that  as of yet), so besides that he doesn't seem to have a direct impact on the story ?

I do wonder how sally came to get into money, she's really evasive about it.

Next time, just to mess with your readers, write a story with characters named Cindy, Sindy, Sandy, Candy, and Kennedy.



Eric Storm

bistander wrote:

Okay, your confusion had me confused there for a minute. Sally is talking to Cindy on the phone, not Candy. I know I shouldn't have named them Candy and Cindy, but Cindy has a history for me, she's my goto psychologist in other stories, and I didn't know she would have such a big role. Once I knew, it was too late to change it.

Thanks for your comments and feedback. I always look forward to it.

Ahhhhh, now I get it.
Since I never saw Sally interact with anyone else than Candy for important stuff, I didn't get that it was not her.


Suprisingly except Sally every single female with a name ending with "y" I like both the name and the character (Sally is not a name that I like, character-wise... meh she's fine).

One of this day Eric I'm going to start writting erotica and when, not if, when, that day comes I'll make sure there is a character who is a sadist writter ...

neolyn wrote:

Ahhhhh, now I get it.
Since I never saw Sally interact with anyone else than Candy for important stuff, I didn't get that it was not her.
...

neolyn, I fault the amount of time between chapters for this, but think back maybe 3 or 4 chapters to when Candy was at Sally's house. She went to the bathroom and Sally called Cindy to give her shit for telling Candy to ask Sally for the truth. Now, Candy knows enough of that truth to get her in trouble.

I can't wait for your stories. Make sure you make that writer someone who offers to help anyone with Potential who is willing to work at it. The catch is, that person ends up taking years to finish the story he helped them make better.