The Pub Discussion Board

Keeshaba update:

So, this is really my update from Monday night, now that I've gotten some sleep and put some emotional distance between things.

Keeshaba was removed from ECMO early Monday morning.  Since then, her vitals have been nothing but a balancing act: they try to fix one, and in doing so, they mess up something else.  Earlier today, they did a tracheostomy in hopes that it would make her more comfortable on the ventilator.  Whether or not that has had any effect, I don't really know.  What I do know is that, as of an hour ago (midnight, my time), she'd had no improvement in her stats.

The dismal truth is that she is not expected to survive.  The doctor made it quite clear to me that he had done all he could do.  The tracheostomy was the very last procedure available to him.  At this point, it is entirely up to her body to heal... and it's not showing signs of doing that.  Barring any signs of improvement over the next few days, he told me he will recommend termination of life support.  He was quite clear that, right now, the machine is keeping her alive.  And his exact words about a recovery were, "it will require a miracle."  The reason they insisted I go up there yesterday was essentially to give me a chance to say good-bye.

Due to legalities, the decision to terminate her life support is not mine to make; it resides with her parents.  We have, however, already discussed the issue in depth, and are in agreement on what will happen.

Though her body still lives, I very much feel as though she is already gone.  I don't think I could physically tolerate a second trip north to see her (I was very IBS-ill by the time I got home Monday), and so Monday really was my good-bye to her.  I'm already trying to accept the change this means for my life.

For those who might worry about my mental state, please know that I'm not "distraught", nor am I "devastated".  I don't mean to sound cold about it, but I'm simply not prone to the stronger emotional states; I'm a very low-key person, emotionally speaking.  I will grieve, in my way, but that process for me is more like a smoldering fire than an explosion.

And... even I know that some of you will be wondering what this means for my writing.  I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Well, we're definitely not seeing a new chapter for the next few months..."  I honestly don't know what this will do to my writing.  I may find it helpful to submerge myself back into my fantasy worlds, in which case, my writing may actually pick up.  But I can't even begin to promise that, as I've not been through this before.  It may turn out that work on Woodward may simply be too painful for a while, given how closely Keeshaba was involved with the story.  That may mean that other stories get some work for a little while.  I just don't know.

In re-reading this message before posting (I always do that), I realize I wrote this to sound like she is already gone.  I guess, to me, she already is, and we're just waiting to make it official.  I would be thrilled to have that miracle that the doctor requires... but I simply can't invest any emotion into hoping for it. 

Anyway, I'm going to close this out now.  This really is more than I intended to write on this subject to begin with.  Perhaps one of the things you're going to have to tolerate from me for a while are stupid rambling posts like this one.

Regards,
Eric Storm

Eric, I'm not really a "praying" type of person...but you and Keeshaba are in my thoughts. Know that there are people out here who are thinking and praying for you and her.

My hopes for a miracle.  I lost my sister in silmilar circumstances years ago. Still hurts but i can at least talk about her without crying now.  If u ever need too talk ,me and many others here would be more then happy too listen. Even if it is just too read your ramblings

Thanks, Augur, and everyone else, for the words of support.

The truth is that things went "bad" much faster than you might imagine.  They told me that when she reached Gainesville the first night, back on the 6th, she was about two hours from cardiac failure.*  So she's been right on that knife-edge the entire time.  Unfortunately, everything that's been done since has only managed to keep her alive: the ECMO, the ventilator, all the meds... they're not really fixing anything, and that's the problem.  She was doing a tiny bit better yesterday, but she has lost all that ground plus a smidge today.  One step forward, two steps back is no way to recover.

Eric Storm

* How cardiac arrest from a breathing problem?  What happens is, when the O2 level in your blood gets too low, your heart goes into arrhythmia, and that leads quickly to cardiac arrest.  In other words, when she arrived there, the ventilator wasn't able to keep her going much longer: she needed ECMO.  I guess, considering that, that she has healed at least a little.  After all, the ventilator is able to keep her alive now...

Boy, would she jump on you for getting her name that far wrong. 

Thank you for the kind thoughts.  I still don't know how this will affect my writing... though I think I am beginning to lean toward trying to do some, just to take a break from all the tension this is causing right now.

Eric Storm

Wolf490 wrote:

I'm sure we would welcome the result but understand a delay.

Ditto

Keeshaba Update:

Keeshaba passed away this evening.

Over the last couple days, she had developed a new infection of unknown origin (unknown because they did not have time to grow the cultures).  While it is unclear whether this contributed to her death is unknown, but it sure as hell wasn't helping.  Throughout the last 24 hours of her life, they were having a hard time keeping her blood pressure up where it needed to be, despite three different medications.  Ultimately, she died from heart failure.

I'm going to mention that the decision had already been made to terminate life support tomorrow, in any case.  Her family was trying to make it to Gainesville to say good-bye, but for reasons I'd rather not go into, they were unable to do so.  Keeshaba's deterioration throughout today took us all by surprise.

I am doing all right, I guess.  I feel like it's actually the third time I've lost her this month, so the impact has been spread out.  That she suddenly gave out after all the talking and worrying over terminating life support was a bit of a shock, but in a way, it makes everything a little easier.

If only she'd waited 4 hours, she could have made my life a little easier, though.  As it is, she died in February, which means that I probably will not be able to keep her social security payment that arrives tomorrow.  Had she died after midnight, then I would definitely be able to keep it.

That will be (of course) the biggest struggle for me moving forward: finances.  Sure, I have somewhat fewer bills now, but I also have 1100 fewer dollars a month to work with.

In that vein... does anyone want to buy a 2012 Dodge Grand Caravan?  (Yes, I'm serious.  Email me for details.)

Eric Storm

I am sorry for your loss.  My thoughts and prayers will be with you and her family.

All I can say, Eric, is hang in there.  And I'm sorry that you had to experience that.

My best wishes to you Eric, I'm so very sorry that Keeshaba has left you so early. You have my condolences and I hope things look up in your future sooner rather than later.

Keeshaba, you will be missed

my condolences and thoughts are with you at this tragic time, sending healing thoughts as your mind and heart repair itself with only the great memories you have both shared

regards

My deepest condolences for your loss. Will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Jesus I feel like these couple of months have been really bad for you, you had to put down pets, now the passing of your wife. I just hope you do okay and get through this fine. My condolences for your loss