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#1 2012-08-16 00:39:14

Admin
God
From: The Internet
Registered: 2006-09-09
Posts: 489
Website

Fall of Paradise

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#2 2012-08-16 16:25:13

HJP1993
Inebriated
From: Baytown, Texas
Registered: 2008-01-06
Posts: 15

Re: Fall of Paradise

Very well done! This is the first story I have added to my favorites that is not X rated 3dsmile To be more constructive than supportive however, I will say there are a few places that could be fixed, " as i Told you" should probably be " as *I* told you" and things like that which an editor may be able to catch for you. Of course, it is seemingly impossible to catch all those mistakes even if you have a team of editors 3dsmile Just in my own comment I had about five of them 3dsmile

(posted from The Welcoming Party)

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#3 2012-08-28 23:04:10

Doc Spratley
Tipsy
Registered: 2007-05-01
Posts: 8

Re: Fall of Paradise

I just started the story and can see that this will be an interesting and shows great promise.  I do have one concern regarding the spelling and grammar errors.  Please try and correct your mistakes as it does take away from the flow of the story.

(posted from the Item Information Page)

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#4 2012-08-29 01:32:32

Eric Storm
Pub Owner
From: New Port Richey, FL
Registered: 2006-09-12
Posts: 3652
Website

Re: Fall of Paradise

Doc:

You offering to edit for him?

Eric Storm


Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
----
I thought a thought.  But the thought I thought I thought, was not the thought I thought, I thought.  If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought... I wouldn't have thought so much!

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#5 2012-09-04 03:46:08

Doc Spratley
Tipsy
Registered: 2007-05-01
Posts: 8

Re: Fall of Paradise

Eric:

Sorry...too old, too tired

(posted from the Item Information Page)

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#6 2017-07-06 22:50:41

coalbuckety
Inebriated
Registered: 2010-12-20
Posts: 11

Re: Fall of Paradise

A great start to a story, I look forward to the continuing episodes.

(posted from A Queen in Shining Armor)

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