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#1 2010-07-01 16:12:24

Bd.Carlo
Inebriated
From: B.C. canada
Registered: 2009-11-06
Posts: 62

story help

I'm working on a story, and have just come to my first bit of real dialogue,  and because most of the people here have a lot more experience than me, I am asking for some tips on what to do. 

the question is "so I though what the heck, and quit bluntly, but not impolitely, asked her why she was wearing high heals in a sporting good store?" 

and she replies that she is wearing high heals because her husband told her to, and when he died she never stopped, any suggestions on how to make it not sound stilted?


"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."  Elbert Hubbard
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking." Jerry Seinfeld

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#2 2010-07-01 17:24:08

lordalpha
Wasted
From: North Carolina
Registered: 2007-01-26
Posts: 139

Re: story help

First, Heels, not Heals. Heel is the sole of the foot, Heal is to mend.

Second, The basic method for speech is, "Dialog" she said, moving her hands...
"Response Dialog" He said, looking at her heels.

That is, The dialog, then whoever is talking, with any movements and actions outside of quotes.

A bit more complex would be:
"Dialog" She said, moving her hands
"Response Dialog" He said, watching her movement, "Action based dialog in response to movement"

Once it is established who is talking, the he said on the end of the line above, is not needed 3dsmile

Also, if 2 established characters are talking, after the first few he said she saids, you can dispense with the he and she said

"I like cake" she said
"I prefer pie" he said
"But cake is better!"
"But pie is tastier!"
"But...."
"No buts, only pie!"

It is obvious that the dialog is a call and response between the guy and girl(I use guy and girl, because it is easier than naming them lol)


Hope that helps(and yes I have a dirty mind)

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#3 2010-07-01 21:38:07

LAoW
Completely Blotto
Registered: 2006-12-01
Posts: 450

Re: story help

CAKE IS BATTER.  (see what I did there?)


I don't have to worry about revenge because Karma is a bigger bitch than I will ever have to be.

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#4 2010-07-01 21:45:58

Eric Storm
Pub Owner
From: New Port Richey, FL
Registered: 2006-09-12
Posts: 5745
Website

Re: story help

Now wait.

Let us take the best of the cakes, and the best of the pies, and compare them.

The best cake is Boston Cream Pie (which is a cake, even though we call it a pie instead of a cake, like we should.)
The best pie is cheesecake (which is a custard-based pie, even though we call it a cake instead of a pie, like we should...)

Personally, I think I prefer cheesecake... which is to say, I prefer pie, not cake, even though it's called cake instead of pie...

Do you have a headache yet?  3dbig_smile

Eric Storm


Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
----
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#5 2010-07-01 23:06:30

Bd.Carlo
Inebriated
From: B.C. canada
Registered: 2009-11-06
Posts: 62

Re: story help

thank you Lordalpha, you to Eric.


"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."  Elbert Hubbard
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking." Jerry Seinfeld

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#6 2010-07-01 23:54:21

James Marcus
Wasted
From: USA
Registered: 2010-06-14
Posts: 120

Re: story help

Another way to break up dialog and enable the reader to see more than just two people talking, is to include description of what the people are doing while they are talking. Using Lordalphas already established dialog.

"I like cake" she said as he pointed to the cake in the window

He looked at the cake and then at the small pie shop down the street "I prefer pie" he said

"But cake is better!"

"But pie is tastier!"

"But...."

"No buts, only pie!" He said with his left hand on his hip and his right pointing at the pie shop.

Another trick with dialog is to change up how you say he said to indicate temperment or type of responce. ie said, stated, responded, questioned, replied. etc....

Last edited by telgar (2010-07-01 23:55:17)

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#7 2010-07-02 21:14:00

LAoW
Completely Blotto
Registered: 2006-12-01
Posts: 450

Re: story help

Steeeeeak Caaaaaake!

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_wGr8njEWjtI/SFcW-kjhnaI/AAAAAAAAAGE/UQEoYNpjmmo/s400/steak_cake_002.jpg

Last edited by LAoW (2010-07-02 21:15:22)


I don't have to worry about revenge because Karma is a bigger bitch than I will ever have to be.

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#8 2010-07-02 21:32:58

Black Rose
Evil Bar Wench
From: The Edge of Nowhere
Registered: 2006-11-26
Posts: 164

Re: story help

That's a really good job at cake making, to be honest.


Black Rose

"Being a writer is a very peculiar sort of a job: it's always you versus a blank sheet of paper (or a blank screen) and quite often the blank piece of paper wins." – Neil Gaiman

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#9 2011-02-01 19:36:44

Bd.Carlo
Inebriated
From: B.C. canada
Registered: 2009-11-06
Posts: 62

Re: story help

It has been kind-of  a long time, but I finally got my dialogue finished, and I would like your expert opinions on it. 

so I though what the heck, and quit bluntly, but not impolitely, asked her “why are you wearing high heels in a sporting good store?” 
“Because my husband told me to” was her rather cryptic response
“And you just did what ever you husband told you to?”
“Well it wasn’t quite that simple, but kind-of yes.” 
We were about half way through the store by now, and I could see some sports goods at the end of the isle so I quickly asked another question,
“Then why are you working in the store instead of your husband?”
“Because he died three years ago.” she responded with just the slightest hitch in her voice. 
“Oh,” I said followed by a short pause, We had just reached our destination, but I had one more question for her so I asked it quickly
“And you are still doing things because he told you to?
Her eyes took on a distant look, and a small smile appeared on her face, “Oh yes!” she said. 

thanks.


"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."  Elbert Hubbard
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking." Jerry Seinfeld

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#10 2011-02-01 23:16:08

Eric Storm
Pub Owner
From: New Port Richey, FL
Registered: 2006-09-12
Posts: 5745
Website

Re: story help

I have bolded the errors.  Explanation beneath the sentence.  Remember:  You asked for this.

so I though what the heck, and quit bluntly, but not impolitely, asked her “why are
you wearing high heels in a sporting good store?” 

* So...  - Sentences are started with capital letters.
* ...thought, what... - misspelling, and there should be a comma there.
* ...quite... - misspelling
* ...her, "why... - When dialogue begins mid-sentence, use a comma to separate it from the start of the sentence.
* It is a "sporting goods" store.  A "sporting good" store would sell only one item.

“Because my husband told me to” was her rather cryptic response

* ...to," was... - when dialogue begins a sentence, but has more sentence after it, you use a comma to separate it from the remainder of the sentence.
* ...response. - Sentences end with punctuation.

“And you just did what ever you husband told you to?”

* ...do whatever your husband tells... - Because he does not yet know that her husband is dead, he would use the present tense, not the past tense.

“Well it wasn’t quite that simple, but kind-of yes.” 

* ...isn't... - this is an ongoing situation, so she would use the present tense.
* ... kind of, yes." - Unless she is running this all together as a single expression, most people would pause here, thus necessitating a comma.  And "kind of" isn't a hyphenated phrase.

We were about half way through the store by now, and I could see some sports goods at the end of
the isle so
I quickly asked another question,

* ...halfway... or ...half-way...  - I personally prefer halfway, but it can be hyphenated if you like.
* ...sporting goods at the end of the aisle, so... - Okay, a few things here:  sporting goods, not sports goods... but, why would you see them at the end of an aisle (not isle:  isle is short for "island"), as opposed to everywhere, if you are in a sporting goods store?
* ...question.  - Sentences do not end with commas.

“Then why are you working in the store instead of your husband?”
“Because he died three years ago.” she responded with just the slightest hitch in her voice. 

* ...ago," she... - when you have dialogue that is only part of a sentence, but the dialogue itself is a complete sentence, you do not use a period at the end of the dialogue, but a comma.  This does not hold for question marks or exclamation points, only periods.

“Oh,” I said followed by a short pause, We had just reached our destination, but I had one more question for her so I asked it quickly

* ...said, followed... - You need a comma here, to separate clauses/phrases.
* ...pause.  We... - This is the end of a sentence, so it uses a period, not a comma.
* ... her, so... - Again, a comma needed.
* ...quickly. - Sentences end with punctuation.

“And you are still doing things because he told you to?

* ...to?" - You forgot to close your quotes.

Her eyes took on a distant look, and a small smile appeared on her face, “Oh yes!” she said. 

* ...face.  "Oh... - This would read better as separate sentences.

Again, remember:  You asked...  And feel grateful:  the people I do this for normally would be faced with bright yellow highlighting! 

3dbig_smile

Aside from the mechanics, the conversation flows all right... but I must emphasize that the mechanics ARE important:  They really distract from reading the story, even this brief snippet of one.

Eric Storm


Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
----
Facebook page

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#11 2011-02-02 21:25:33

Bd.Carlo
Inebriated
From: B.C. canada
Registered: 2009-11-06
Posts: 62

Re: story help

yes I did ask, and thank you.  So far this is just a rough draft, I didn't want to go any farther with it if the conversation didn't flow all right.

Last edited by Bd.Carlo (2011-02-02 21:25:56)


"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."  Elbert Hubbard
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking." Jerry Seinfeld

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#12 2011-02-05 22:11:44

Imagineer
Wasted
From: Oak Valley
Registered: 2006-11-27
Posts: 214

Re: story help

That sounds like the beginning of an interesting story.

There are lots of online resources to help you with punctuation and grammar. Of course, you can pick up a lot of them by reading good writing. Take a look at Eric's work and see how he does it.

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