The Pub Discussion Board

Soul Less,

"So far Jason has shown zero emotional connection to anyone except not wanting to make his mother cry.  He seems to be only in it for the sex and while that doesn't have to be a bad thing, I think Darlene deserves better."

Yup, that's exactly who Jason is, and the character I intended him to be. Thanks for noticing.

"I would like to see Evan, Deanna, Gloria, Candy, Cindy, Sally, Rebecca, and Darlene all end up in a house with several rooms and really big beds all living and loving together."

Wow, that's a lot of women in one house! Scary.

"I would like to see KK and BJ stay crazy and visit both the 'Jason house' and 'Evan house' to play as well."

Unfortunately for these characters, whose role was only to make the race stuff have more than on dimension, the story can't last long enough to do much more with them. They are actually crazy enough to have their own story :-)

"Ms Style is a bit of a mystery still, but I can't see her not being in Darlene's life."

Her role will become clear soon.

"It is giving them the illusion that if they stay quiet, it will only affect them and it is hiding the severity of the situation from all of them."

Great insight on your part, reading between the lines, even though that message wasn't hidden, it's a well-established truth-You are as sick as your secrets.


"Just give us and ending in which they are happy and safe and fulfilled and that will be enough."

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you for putting in the effort required to be able to comment, and for taking the time to write such a long message. If you started reading this on Niffy, you have access to my email, feel free to use it, or send a message through this site if you have questions or comments that don't fit in the comments section.
Thanks again, and check out some of the great authors here. There is at least one who helped me a great deal, in the beginning, to get better at this thing I'm trying to do.

I love this story and can not wait for more!!

so I hammered you in ch 30 for redundancy.  I want to say you redeemed and more in 31 and 32 and it is perhaps some of your best work yet,  especially with regards to literary groundwork for up and coming (cuming> ) events.  Well done.  I proof for several folks,  one of my clients has a chain of novels over 80 separate books and avoiding repetition, especially in consecutive books or chapters can be a downfall for even the best.  Some times you have to have it thrown at you to dodge it!  I also applaud you for the quick follow up of 31 ( which was fantastic on literary foreshadowing,  32 also,  but 31 was great )  You set the table,  now you published the menu,  time to serve the first course!  I hope,  as always,  it is soon   Well done sir!

(posted from the Item Information Page)

not an editor and work in a different area,  but heavy lit background. ( not big enough jerk to edit)  Stay on track, you turned a different corner and remember,  a writer is a person who writes for them, for their own satisfaction of expressing a story they want/enjoy telling. An old movie has the line : if when you wake in the morning,  all you can think of is writing,  then you are a writer!"  Good luck,

(posted from the Item Information Page)

Bistander,

Two questions:
Did you get the DM I sent you shortly after you released chapter 32?  I'm not exactly sure how DMs work on this site and I just wanted to make sure.  I hope you aren't annoyed by my posts.  I know I tend to post a lot and I tend to get carried away with my thoughts

The second question is about Evan's race.  I thought it was a very exciting scene and it seemed very realistic.  How did you research for that scene or did you just use your imagination?

Thanks Eric for the DM(direct message or in some cases, I imagine, dumb mother-fucker), and thanks Soul_less for the question. I did get your DM, and for some reason, in my Gmail, it didn't look like other DMs I have received, so I didn't think I could respond directly to your mail. My bad. The message was fine, and appreciated. I never mind hearing what people think about the story and where their imagination sees it going. I can't change the direction of the story, but other people's input does sometimes give me ideas for side events that happen along the way. i.e if I never hear anyone asking for Brutus or they say, yuck, when Becky pisses on someone, I know not to work hard of a scene with that unless it is an integal component of plot, then I don't care what anyone thinks.

As far as the racing, I have spent a great deal of time at racetracks, done some racing, and known drivers well. The track in the story is a real place where I have also spent a lot of time, and have had friends racing there. I will try and find a link to a video that shows what opening night looked like this year after some major track changes. There is some in-car video from the kind of car Cindy drives, and it will give you a little bit of a feel for what Evan is going through, except not really. Being in a Super Late Model, on a short track, scrambles your brain in real life.

Thank you, I really did need a good laugh, and laugh I did.

I'm getting ready to load a target up on my laptop and use it  for practice with my 10mm glock... I cant find ANYWHERE to dl a readable format of Potential 31 and 32 and its ticking me off!

Soul_less:

Actually, I felt you were missing a few commas, myself... 

Eric Storm

Nectoxicdragon wrote:

I'm getting ready to load a target up on my laptop and use it  for practice with my 10mm glock... I cant find ANYWHERE to dl a readable format of Potential 31 and 32 and its ticking me off!

No need to die or whip out your big ten inch or get a tick around here. Eric is one of the most responsive site owner/admins I've encountered, even when he's giving me a hard time. ;-) I see those chapters, and they are on two other platforms, but you won't see them on those Russian sites or the site that lets all their content get skimmed for other sites. Maybe that's what landed you here?

Find my user profile, click see my stuff, then double click Potential, click the down arrow on the left, find chapter 31, and click GO. Then read away.
Have fun.

So after reading Chapter 33, I just want to say again how amazing this story is and how much I enjoy reading it and the characters within.

That being said, this chapter kind of left me wanting more.   I appreciated the story progression and there wasn't any part that I didn't like, it just felt a lot shorter than previous chapters and kind of emptier with regard to the love scenes.   I don't know about the actual word count or anything but there were several places where I thought there would be love scenes that were just missing.

I would have liked to have actually seen the scene between Candy and Cindy after Deanna left.   I would have liked to have seen the scene between Deanna and Rebecca at the park.   I feel like they could have been added in between the other sections of the story and it would have added a lot to the chapter.

Even if we have already seen those particular pairings, I enjoyed those scenes a great deal in previous chapters.   Not just for the sexiness but also for the way you described their affection for each other during those moments and how it developed the emotional aspects of their relationships.

The absence of those scenes almost made this feel like half of a chapter.  Like maybe chapter 34 will go back and show us what we missed in Game of Thrones style, but I would have rather just read it as one oversized chapter if that is the plan.

I am still really enjoying this story and I can't wait to see how it ends.  I really hope Evan finds out about what has been going on and I hope that one of the girls tells him without him having to find out on his own.  I feel like Evan needs to be able to confront John if he is ever going to be the 'man of the house' so to speak.  I have a little sister and I know for a fact that if I found out someone had hurt her the way John has hurt Evan's sisters, I would not stop until he was dead and damn the consequences.  So, I get why the girls feel like they can't tell Evan, but that is a betrayal also.  He deserves to know and he deserves the chance to stand up to John and to be the man that Candy and his sisters deserve.  Once he gets that chance and hopefully gets to punch John in the goddamned face, then Sally can swoop in and do her thing.  I just don't want Evan's last attempt at being the man he wants to be to end with John standing over him.

I'm probably just saying all of this into the void because you have probably already mapped out how the rest of the story goes, but I just can't help rooting for Evan to get his shot.

The first part of this post was kind of negative and I do apologize about that but I am just trying to be honest.  The story as a whole still remains compelling and emotional and fantastic.

Can't wait for the next chapter, but I know it will be worth the wait.   Thank you for sharing your talent with us and for the effort you put into this story.  You are very much appreciated.

Last edited by Soul_less327 (2020-07-17 00:41:30)

bistander wrote:

Soul_less327 wrote:

it just felt a lot shorter than previous chapters and kind of emptier with regard to the love scenes. I thought there would be love scenes that were just missing.

I would have liked to have actually seen the scene between Candy and Cindy after Deanna left.   I would have liked to have seen the scene between Deanna and Rebecca at the park.

I really hope Evan finds out about what has been going on and I hope that one of the girls tells him without him having to find out on his own.

I'm always happy to hear what everyone thinks, even when they think something should have been different or better. I take all that in, and consider it. Sometimes I messed up and am happy for an idea for a different way it could have been done. That's not to say I try and write the story to every person's comments and suggestions, that obviously could never happen.

So, having looked at the above, I'll say this, The chapter was the same length as the last one. There weren't as many different jumps to different places with different people the way many of the other chapters go. There was a reason for that, too. It just didn't work and wouldn't have made sense. My test reader agreed. I wasn't even sure I wanted the part where Deana suggests the top of the slide. Think about what she has just learned about her life, then she realized that she couldn't even share it with her best friend and girlfriend. The only reason I added it, was because earlier I explained sex was her way of dealing with stuff. We'll see what others think.

The Candy and Cindy thing wasn't as important as what Deana needed to do with the pictures. Sex at that point would have been something I would scroll through to find out what was in the shoebox that most of you probably forgot Sally had under her arm the day she cracked the password.

As far as Evan goes, the girls aren't going to tell him something that will make him react the way he did when John was hurting Candy. We'll all have to wait and see if or how he finds out, and whether or not he can handle it in a way that doesn't get him punched out again. It's really hard for me to decide who should do what to John. Sally has been hurt the worst, but Candy, Deana, and Cindy have also been hurt badly. Maybe Cindy should run him over? Maybe Deana and Gloria should use a steak knife on him? Maybe Sally has a plan that will keep everyone out of jail, except John? Maybe Candy has that 7 million volt tazer?

So many possibilities.

I sort of get what you are saying about the sex being secondary to the scene with the pictures and I get that Deanna was using sex as a distraction from her pain.  I agree with you that in a lot of stories, the love scenes would be less important than the scenes surrounding them.  In this story though, I feel like the love scenes aren't just something you add in for the reader to fap to.  With the exception of Jason who is only in it for the sex (by design) and anything involving Ms Style so far, I feel like pretty much every love scene in the story deepened the relationship between the two or three partners in a meaningful way.

So even though Deanna looking through the shoebox of pictures was important for her arc, the off screen scene with Candy and Cindy could have been just as important to their arc if you had written it.  Cindy had just revealed a lot of heavy stuff to Deanna, some of which not even Candy is aware of.  I would have loved to have read Cindy's emotions and thoughts and struggles even in the midst of the sex between her and Candy. I would have loved to see if Candy picked up on the fact that something was wrong and what she would have done about it.  Likewise I would have loved to have read about Deanna's inner thoughts while she was with Rebecca.  Yes it was a distraction, but you've already shown that they can sense a lot about each other during those intimate moments.  Maybe the scene could have been used to bring them closer together?  Maybe Rebecca would have sensed something was off and that there was turmoil beneath the surface but she would have chosen to give Deanna comfort in the only way that Deanna could accept from her at that point?  These skipped scenes just feel like missed opportunities for emotional and relationship growth to me.

Don't cheapen the love scenes by thinking they are just something to skip through to get to the important parts of the story.   You've done an amazing job so far of giving the scenes meaning and purpose beyond just the obvious sexiness.  You haven't been the type of writer to treat the love scenes as throwaway when they can be impactful and important, I have no reason to believe that you would have written them that way in this case.  I'm going to have to disagree with your tester on this one.

Also, I want it on record that I did remember the pictures and the shoebox and the scene where Evan asked about the pictures.  I may not remember every scene, but I do remember most of them. 

Lastly, I can't wait to see what happens to John.   I really hope someone kills him in a way that keeps them out of jail or if John goes to jail, hopefully he dies horribly while he is in there.  I would be fine if one of the girls gets to kill him, any of them deserve to do it after what John did to them.  I just hope Evan gets to stand up to him and prevail at least once before John meets his fate.  Just as the girls getting their justice against John is crucial for them and their ability to move past this horrible situation, it is just as important for Evan to find out what has been going on in the house under his nose and for him to have his victory over John as well.  How could Evan live with himself if he found out and had done nothing to stand up for the women that he loved?  That isn't something you recover from and eventually he is going to find out.  I think it would be better if the girls trusted him with their pain on their own terms. 

Okay, I think I've stated my opinion more than enough times at this point.  I'll just sit back and wait for the next chapter.  We readers do get the easy part of this exchange. 

Anyway, thanks again for this story.

Last edited by Soul_less327 (2020-07-17 03:33:12)