Potential

Snap Dollars Lose Fat While Gaining Muscle At The Same Time With Just 3 Short, (But Intense) Workouts A Week Develop your own psychic abilities


The entire thread can be found here
2019-Mar-14 @ 10:03 PM
neolyn
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Member since 2016-Feb-13
Posts: 63

Well I do Hope that she's in love with Cindy and Evan both. Cindy would be her "wife" and Evan her " husband".

I think, what's bothering me with Evan and Deana is that there is too much ? It's that or the fact that you keep going back to them. Maybe it's a bit of both. I would rather have had a very long moment for them that many short ones.

I do compliment you for Candy and Sally's scene. We learn a lot (but in reality it's just a bit) about Sally, Cindy's involvement and even that Bastard John. Scene like these show many things; that's it's not a simple sex stories. You develop your characters a lot without showing much.
You would have shown less it would have let me either unsatisfied or uninterested, you would have shown more, it would have been too soon I think.


Well that's just my humble opinion as a amateur reader.

Ha! Now that I write this I know why Evan and Deana is bugging me( I thought about it a bit more while I'm writting this message, I wont edit my previous statment because it's still stand).

I would have prefer to see a Gloria scene. Not  a sex one, or one with Evan, It would have been too soon after what happened in chapter27; no, a scene where she's by herself pondering about what she did with Evan, their relationship and her relationship with the other members of the family.

So far we have Evan's point of View, Candy, Deana, Darlene, Becky and Jason plus some secondary characters like Mary. Yet we never really had  one for Gloria who is one of the main protagonists.  I think it would have been the right time for that.

It's a good job what you do, I really feel for your characters, for a cold hearted person like me, few author succeed at that.


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2019-Mar-14 @ 11:16 PM
Eric Storm
Pub Owner
Member since 2006-Sep-13
Posts: 4222

This may be a weird post, but I want to praise neolyn for a really good critique.

First, he mentioned things he liked about the story.

Next, he pointed out a specific problem he had with the story.
Then!  He went the proper extra step and proposed a solution!

And then he wrapped it up with a reminder that he still liked the story, even with this issue present.

Kudos, neolyn.

Everyone else, pay attention.

Eric Storm


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Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
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AMEN! >>> Word Crimes
2019-Mar-15 @ 10:56 PM
neolyn
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Member since 2016-Feb-13
Posts: 63

Thanks ! : ')

Usually people just rant at me. : '(

I have the bad habit to mentally "correct" what I don't like, or find ways to do it or make it ok for me.
When I critic my honesty sometimes is taken as rudeness. That's to bad because if I want to be rude I don't post at all ^^".

After many... "adventures" I dare say, I understood that a critic is more or less well taken if you  start and end by complimanting the work.

What's left, well it's common sense for me. What is the point to critic something if you don't have any idea to give to maybe get it better?

I believe  a critic should not say only  if it's good or bad  but maybe help authors or give them a chance  to better their writting  explore new ideas and giving back something better. I see it as a distant partnership .


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2019-Mar-16 @ 6:18 AM
Eric Storm
Pub Owner
Member since 2006-Sep-13
Posts: 4222

As I've always said, making a negative comment without offering a way to make it better isn't critiquing: it's complaining.  And we don't need to hear no fuckin' complaints 'round here!

smile

Eric Storm


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Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
----
AMEN! >>> Word Crimes
2019-Mar-16 @ 4:56 PM
neolyn
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Member since 2016-Feb-13
Posts: 63

Complaining being the French's national sport ( with being on strike),I'm fed up with it so I try my best to go farther and be useful. xD


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2019-Mar-18 @ 5:23 AM
bistander
Contributor
Member since 2015-Sep-3
Posts: 126

"This may be a weird post, but I want to praise neolyn for a really good critique.

First, he mentioned things he liked about the story.

Next, he pointed out a specific problem he had with the story.
Then!  He went the proper extra step and proposed a solution!

And then he wrapped it up with a reminder that he still liked the story, even with this issue present.

Kudos, neolyn.
Everyone else, pay attention.
Eric Storm"

And that is why I love this site, and support it with my PayPal account. We have an admin/owner who is an author himself, so he gets it and helps those who want it.

Also, the feedback on this site has been a huge benefit. I read all of it. If not for Eric, tons of internet searches, and critiques, Potential would just be another poorly written My Neighbor's Incest.

neolyn wrote:

I would have prefer to see a Gloria scene. Not  a sex one, or one with Evan, It would have been too soon after what happened in chapter27; no, a scene where she's by herself pondering about what she did with Evan, their relationship and her relationship with the other members of the family.

So far we have Evan's point of View, Candy, Deana, Darlene, Becky and Jason plus some secondary characters like Mary. Yet we never really had one for Gloria who is one of the main protagonists.  I think it would have been the right time for that.

Thanks neolyn. All of your comments were spot on.
Sometimes everything I want in a chapter doesn't fit in the length I'm shooting for and the amount of time between chapters. Maybe one day I'll go back and rearrange all the piece to fit together better, removing or shortening sex scenes if necessary to make it work.

I had to break up the stuff with Evan and Deana to make it fit in the timeline of the day, so the interaction between others could also take place and be interwoven and connected.
The closer we get to the end, the more difficult it is to write this story. I rewrote the scenes with Candy and Sally 4 or 5 times over 3 weeks, changing the details so the rest of the story would be plausible. Candy couldn't know everything that could have been said.

Yes, there should have been additional scenes with the POV of other characters, and there will be.

Don't forget, I may have stayed at a Courtyard by Marriot last night, but I'm not a professional author. I'm leaning this as I go.

"That's too bad because if I want to be rude I don't post at all." And that would suck more than a troll telling me my story was a piece of shit. sad


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2019-Mar-18 @ 7:38 AM
Blackie
Contributor
Member since 2017-Jul-13
Posts: 27

bistander wrote:

Don't forget, I may have stayed at a Courtyard by Marriot last night, but I'm not a professional author. I'm learning this as I go.

Who knew Courtyard by Marriot turned you into a qualified writer? It appears to have worked. Very few people are 'professional authors.' I have encountered damn few who can make a living at it.

That aside and with the very decent critique from Neolyn, you've got a damn fine story going here. The genre may not be particularly marketable but you are putting together a very good plot line. You've got me gripped by impatience to read more. Grammar commentary would be complaints having to do with failed editors, not what you've written.


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-Himself
2019-Mar-19 @ 5:11 AM
neolyn
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Member since 2016-Feb-13
Posts: 63

For Evan and Deana... timeline(?) it's actually well done. There may be constant change of characters, but it's not messy.

I just don't like it. I don't like interupted action like that. I pulls me back irl. I prefer a focus on the action, and every other actions happening at the same time is dealed with in another chapter.

A good exemple is the conversation on the phone with Candy. That I like it, it satyed focus on Evan and Deana without switching to Candy's point of view. In the next Chapter I would have wrote the same scene but from Candy's PoV. I find it less messy that way.


As far as the sex scenes go, I don't think there is really a need to shorten them if you ever go back to them. Expect the bestiality's ones; those ones you can delete them, but it's a personal preference. : D


Wait, you're saying that the end is near ? The story is about how many % done  at this point ?


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2019-Mar-19 @ 9:19 AM
bistander
Contributor
Member since 2015-Sep-3
Posts: 126

neolyn wrote:

In the next Chapter I would have wrote the same scene but from Candy's PoV. I find it less messy that way.


As far as the sex scenes go, I don't think there is really a need to shorten them if you ever go back to them. Expect the bestiality's ones; those ones you can delete them, but it's a personal preference. : D


Wait, you're saying that the end is near ? The story is about how many % done  at this point ?

I can agree with your point, but there are some subtle things being dropped that might be lost if they were too far removed from the scene. As an example(but not a great one), Evan and Deana are fucking around outside while Candy and Sally are talking about the surveillance system. That might be foreshadowing? You'll have to wait and see, but I do see your point and pulling the read out is always something to be careful of.

Ruff, ruff, sorry, some people love these scenes; they want everybody to have sex with the dog, even Evan, but that won't happen.

% done? Wow, I wish I could say exactly. I have a bunch of things that I still want to do, and many things to uncover and wrap up, but the plot will not support many more chapters. I guess I'll keep doing what I have been doing and go one chapter at a time. We'll see, but it can't be very long.


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2019-Mar-19 @ 7:16 PM
neolyn
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Member since 2016-Feb-13
Posts: 63

bistander wrote:

I can agree with your point, but there are some subtle things being dropped that might be lost if they were too far removed from the scene. As an example(but not a great one), Evan and Deana are fucking around outside while Candy and Sally are talking about the surveillance system. That might be foreshadowing? You'll have to wait and see, but I do see your point and pulling the read out is always something to be careful of

Yep, I saw that.  It would have been too obvious if it was done my way. I did always wonder about the surveillance system. I don't really know (or paid enough attention maybe ? : / ) what and where it can record things. When Evan and Deana started doing things at house's door I knew they were screwed. But anything else in the house? Can't tell.

Candy fleing because of it the previous chapter was really impactful so it isn't really necessary to put a hint in this one. But it's jsut me, so maybe other people would not remember or pay attention.


You really do a marvelous job at hinting, it's really subttle. Hinting makes readers see the story in a different way when they read it again.
And I'm a sucker for that.


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2019-Mar-20 @ 6:16 PM
neolyn
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Member since 2016-Feb-13
Posts: 63

I'm double posting because In think I found something interesting.

So I tried again to get into Eric's Justice Seven. It's a good exemple of what I was talking about scene and Point of View. Each Episode seems to focus on a Protagonist alone and have enough... interlude(?) to include briefly others so everyone get link somehow.

It's between the traditional way you're writing  and your last chapter in PoV changes. I do find the pace of events being too fast though (sorry Eric : / ).


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2019-Mar-20 @ 9:50 PM
Eric Storm
Pub Owner
Member since 2006-Sep-13
Posts: 4222

Well, first off, you forgot to "double post" this, if you were going to... and second, I'm not sure what you're apologizing to me for.  Your post is a bit too vague on details for me, at least, to draw any actual information out of it.  I know you're talking about the point of view switches in Potential, but I'm not sure at all what you're saying about Justice Seven.

Eric Storm


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Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
----
AMEN! >>> Word Crimes
2019-Mar-21 @ 6:30 PM
neolyn
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Member since 2016-Feb-13
Posts: 63

I was saying that in Justice Seven, many chapters are focus on one character . That some events happening in one chapter are happening actuallly hapening during another.

That I think it is a good idea you had and that it was a clever way to develop the story where there isn't a main character with all focus on him.(like in Potential).

I was saying that, though I like the idea I don't like how fast paced each chapter is and that's why I tried many times to get into Justice Seven but never could (until yesterday).

I was saying sorry because I was talking about about your good idea that I think was not successfully realised.

I believe that it would maybe have been better for potential last chapter to have been made like one of Justice Seven, focus on a character with somes scenes with other characters  then change the point of View in the next chapter but still being in the same time frame and not moving along.



And about double posting, I always thought  it was about posting twice in a row, no matter the content of the message.


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2019-Mar-21 @ 8:57 PM
bistander
Contributor
Member since 2015-Sep-3
Posts: 126

I know nothing about double posting, and unfortunately, haven't read Justice Seven, but I do know about POV. Maybe if the chapters were much shorter I could do that, but only if the whole story were written already. The way it is, how much would it suck to have only gotten to read about Evan in chapter 28, without knowing what happened to Candy after she puked and ran off?

I think I better keep doing what I've been doing before I start exploring, but I do want to write a story with the antagonist POV being first person and in separate chapters from the third person POV.

BTW, no, the surveillance doesn't exist in the house, other than Candy's spy cam.


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2019-Mar-21 @ 11:08 PM
Eric Storm
Pub Owner
Member since 2006-Sep-13
Posts: 4222

neolyn:

As far as I was aware, that is not what is meant by double-posting... and if it is, then I'm guilty of doing this a lot, so who cares?  smile

As to your J7 comments... the consequence of trying to make a story with so many main characters.  It is VERY hard to make it work properly.  Though I'm not quite sure what you mean by it being too fast-paced... I mean, I took 19 chapters to cover a year...  *shrugs*


bistander wrote:

I do want to write a story with the antagonist POV being first person and in separate chapters from the third person POV.

I would recommend against this in the strongest terms.  Not only is first person point of view very tricky to pull off by itself, but switching types of POV in mid-story is bound to jar the reader badly.  If you want to make sure to get the antagonist's perspective into the story, I'd recommend third-person omniscient for your writing style, and simply switch between characters.

Eric Storm

PS:  I didn't want to assume you don't know this already, but just in case you don't:

Points of view:

First person: the narrator is the main character.  They know the MC's thoughts and motivations, but no one else's.

Second person: The reader is the main character.  The narrator knows your thoughts and motivations.

Third person limited: Also used to be called, in my grammar class, third person semi-omniscient, the narrator is not a participant in the story, but they know the thoughts and motivations of only the main character.

Third person omniscient: The narrator is not a participant in the story, but knows the thoughts and motivations of everyone in the story.

There are, of course, variations on those, but they invariably make writing the story more difficult.


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Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
----
AMEN! >>> Word Crimes
2019-Mar-22 @ 5:51 PM
neolyn
Inebriated
Member since 2016-Feb-13
Posts: 63

bistander wrote:

. Maybe if the chapters were much shorter I could do that, but only if the whole story were written already. The way it is, how much would it suck to have only gotten to read about Evan in chapter 28, without knowing what happened to Candy after she puked and ran off?

I think I better keep doing what I've been doing before I start exploring, but I do want to write a story with the antagonist POV being first person and in separate chapters from the third person POV.

BTW, no, the surveillance doesn't exist in the house, other than Candy's spy cam.

It would have suck to not know about Candy, but it would have build some suspense, so it wouldn't not have been so bad. The phone scene from Deana's side would have be a huge tease.

Yes, keep doing what you've been doing, you've done a great job so far, there is not point of messing it up by exploring.
I'm just analyzing, so if you start a new story and want to do even better than potential you already have some leads to where you may improve.

After reading neighbourg incest I can say that you improved more than a lot with potential. ( By the way, if you happened to have the rest of this story somewhere could you send it to me  please ? : D)

About J7 ( and that's the last I'll be talking about it in this thread, because it's not the place to do it):
When I say fast paced, I'm talking about the time line in a single chapter. From The moment Jim save Jen to the end of the chapter a few weeks happened and we don't really experienced them.

With how you did the story, I thinks it's normal that it's that way, I just don't like it because it made it very difficult for me to care about the characters. By comparison, in potential time flies so slowly that I care a real lot about many characters.


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2019-Mar-22 @ 8:12 PM
Eric Storm
Pub Owner
Member since 2006-Sep-13
Posts: 4222

Well, I'll make this my last response in this thread-within-a-thread, as well, but...  did you really want to read about nothing happening?  Unlike in Potential, where some dramatic event seems to happen every five minutes, in the weeks I skipped over in the chapter you're talking about, nothing of interest happened.  They went to school.  They chatted with each other.  They went to a few places together, where nothing of note happened.  In short, they lived normal teenage lives.  I can't imagine anyone really wanted to read that...

Eric Storm


-----
Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
----
AMEN! >>> Word Crimes
2019-Mar-22 @ 10:08 PM
bistander
Contributor
Member since 2015-Sep-3
Posts: 126

Eric Storm wrote:

I would recommend against this in the strongest terms.  Not only is first person point of view very tricky to pull off by itself, but switching types of POV in mid-story is bound to jar the reader badly.

Eric Storm

I'm not disagreeing because I really don't know, but Lisa Gardner(I think) did this in a novel, and I thought it worked very well. Yes, of course, I'm no Lisa Gardner. Whole chapters were told by the bad guy, the killer, and whole chapters were third person from the main detective's side. I read it a long time ago, but I think I remember liking the book.

neolyn, if you were saying you want the rest of the unedited My Neighbor's then send me an email and I'll send you the files. they are OpenOffice docs.


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2019-Mar-23 @ 3:44 AM
Eric Storm
Pub Owner
Member since 2006-Sep-13
Posts: 4222

Hey, I've had my say.  Carry forward at your own risk.

Eric Storm


-----
Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
----
AMEN! >>> Word Crimes
2019-Mar-23 @ 5:47 AM
neolyn
Inebriated
Member since 2016-Feb-13
Posts: 63

Eric Storm wrote:

Well, I'll make this my last response in this thread-within-a-thread, as well, but...  did you really want to read about nothing happening?  Unlike in Potential, where some dramatic event seems to happen every five minutes, in the weeks I skipped over in the chapter you're talking about, nothing of interest happened.  They went to school.  They chatted with each other.  They went to a few places together, where nothing of note happened.  In short, they lived normal teenage lives.  I can't imagine anyone really wanted to read that...

Eric Storm

I do ...  I find this moments important because it's  an occasion to get to know the characters better, what they feel , think, like and dislike. Then add something happening(can be small or big) that appears trivial but is not.


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2019-Apr-9 @ 12:35 AM
morningwood
Tipsy
Member since 2019-Apr-4
Posts: 2

I love the story so far. The slow buildup of sexual tension is incredible.
I prefer this type of writing to others that have improbable sex by the 2nd paragraph.
Keep it up, Bistander!

(posted from Chapter 4: Its Dangerous to Squeeze the Charmin)


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2019-Apr-9 @ 2:07 AM
morningwood
Tipsy
Member since 2019-Apr-4
Posts: 2

chapter 5 and still going strong.great writing

(posted from Chapter 5 Youve got the Devil Inside)


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2019-Apr-10 @ 7:11 PM
bistander
Contributor
Member since 2015-Sep-3
Posts: 126

morningwood wrote:

chapter 5 and still going strong.great writing

(posted from Chapter 5 Youve got the Devil Inside)

Thank you so much for taking a minute to let me know how you feel. That is my only reward for the 100's of hours I invest and a reminder that I have to keep working.
I hope it only keeps getting better for you. I must warn you, though, don't race through it. It is a very complex tale, and I'm still working on it, so if you get to chapter 28, you might end up having to wait.

I've been in a horrible depressive funk, so there hasn't been much produced over the last several weeks. I am hoping the rainy season will end and some sun and warmer weather will lift my spirits.


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2019-Apr-19 @ 10:01 PM
E. Nygma
Tipsy
Member since 2019-Apr-17
Posts: 1

I joined this site specifically to let you know how much I am enjoying Potential. I went into it thinking it would be "stroke material" but I find myself actually CARING about the characters now.

I don't really think Evan can end up with Candy OR Deana but I am pulling for Deana/Rebecca (and possibly Gloria/Darlene).

I like the way you are giving depth to Darlene. Her promiscuity is clearly forged out of a difficult childhood and it makes her a more sympathetic character than if it felt as though she would merely screw anybody or anything. I disagree with Darlene on one point: The true "wildcat" in my eyes is Becky not Rebecca. That girl is crazy.

I am really hoping that you continue to flesh out the story and that we get to see a rewarding denouement that lets us know at least how the Rebecca/Deana/Candy/Cindy and Jason/Becky/BJ arcs play out. Perhaps even a glance 4-5 years into the future, whatever it may be, after the inevitable storm coming when John returns from China.

I have read the entire 28 chapters now multiple times. big_smile


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2019-Apr-23 @ 11:26 PM
bistander
Contributor
Member since 2015-Sep-3
Posts: 126

E. Nygma wrote:

I have read the entire 28 chapters now multiple times. big_smile

Well, hells bells, that makes me smile. I wish I had time to reread the story, but if I did I'd end up working on it and fixing the typos that I know are in there.

I'm taking my time in hopes of making the ending as good as the rest of the story. It's getting more difficult to decide how much to give away in each chapter in order to keep the story an interesting page-turner. Hopefully, I'll have something to post fairly soon.

Thank for taking the time to comment.


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